Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
It’s January 2018 and I’m going to start accidentally back-dating every check I write by one year, a problem which will last until around mid-February.
Of course, it’s also a good time to look back at the year which just whizzed by, and to take stock of the stories which made me laugh, cringe, gasp or shake my head slowly and sigh.
Naturally, I can’t cover here every story which caused such reactions, because if I did, I’d be sitting in this chair until the end of January, and there’d be no point in publishing the post. So, think of this as a list of monthly highlights from 2017, a shallow survey of the year in sex and silliness.
January Reminder: Always Wear Clothes At The Car Wash
Sometimes the new year can be sort of disorienting, as my check-dating problem exemplifies. Still, no matter how disoriented I get, I typically don’t forget to wear clothes to the car wash. One of the reasons this will be even easier for me to remember to do is the tale of Charles William Raulerson, who got tased in the buff at a car wash after, as Raulerson claimed, his pants “took off running my themselves without me.”
OK, so that gives me two things to remember: Always wear clothes to the car wash, and avoid wearing magic pants.
February: Sex Ghosts And Skiing Britons
I’m not big on skiing, mostly because I’m a klutz and fear I’d break every bone in my body just putting on the damn skis, let alone trying to go down a hill wearing them.
Thanks to Kadeena Cox, I now have another reason to avoid the slopes, a fear which can be summed up in two words: Sex ghosts.
March: Before He Was “Rocket Man,” He Was “Porn-Balloon Man”
It seems like we can’t go a week these days without reading something scary about Kim Jong-Un, so to brighten your mood and forget about the horrible prospect of him launching nukes, here’s an article from last March about a far less frightening device Lil’ Kim has already employed: Porn Balloons.
April: As Kostanza Might Say, She’s A Step-Skipper
Lots of people find God after they retire from porn. For Brazilian porn performer and evangelical Christian Kamilla Warneck, there’s clearly no reason to wait for retirement, when you can simply perform in porn with the good lord’s blessing.
May: Colbert, Cockholsters and Complaints
After Stephen Colbert made a wisecrack about President Trump being Vladimir Putin’s “cockholster,” a certain percentage of Americans went apeshit and flooded the FCC with demands to investigate. Yeah, it was a lame, cheap line, but legally “obscene?” Really?
On the other hand, given what they’ve been up to since then, maybe I’d be happier if the FCC stuck to investigating off-color jokes made by late night talk show hosts.
June: My Aversion To Anal Play Is Vindicated
Some people, mostly men who I’ve dated (or married) seem to be mystified by my reluctance to put things in my butthole. Sure, usually the thing they’d like me to put in there is their penis, which is attached to them and unlikely to come off, but I’m still taking the harrowing tale of Emily Georgia as total vindication of my aversion to anal.
July: Amber Rose Expands My Vocabulary (Sort Of)
When the news broke of Rob Kardashians revenge porn-stab at Blac Chyna, Chyna’s pal Amber Rose fired back at Kardashian by calling him a “fuckboy.” I was excited by this, because as a relentless autodidact, I’m always eager to learn new things and expand my vocabulary.
The only problem is, I’m still not sure what a fuckboy is, strictly speaking. So far, the best I’ve been able to come up with is the explanation offered by Jacob Brogan of Slate: “Everyone knows what fuckboy means. And no one knows what fuckboy means.”
August: DUI, Baseball, Porn And A WTF? Press Conference
Let’s say you’re the general manager of a baseball team, one of your players gets busted for DUI and now you have to give a press conference in which you answer questions about the situation. What topics would you cover? The perils of substance abuse? The perniciousness of the party-hard culture a lot of athletes grow up around?
Nah; the natural thing to talk about, clearly, is porn.
September: A Headline Which I Cannot Enhance
In many ways, I see my job as a context-adder; I see things in the news and try to put them in perspective. (OK, so sometimes it’s a warped perspective, but it’s still some sort of perspective.)
Every so often though, along comes a headline so epic, so fantastic, so incredibly eye-catching, there’s really nothing I can write or say, other than you need to see it and read the underlying story for yourself. In September, one such headline hit the web – and it’s absolutely glorious: “Porn-actor-turned-spy who posed as jihadist gets suspended sentence.”
It’s simply perfect; I mean, who’s not going to read that story?
October: Sex, Surveys And Terrible Math
In analyzing the results of its “Kinky Couples & Modern Relationships” survey, the good folks at Forktip showed that while they might be good at cooking up a kitschy infographic, they thoroughly suck at math.
In reporting the response to the question of whether they’d be open to a “bisexual threesome with another woman,” the data says 27.7% of female respondents said yes. Forktip’s take on this is “1 in 3 women” said yes.
Hey Forktip, 1 in 1 people named Calico think you round things up in a very strange way – yes, almost 90% of us!
November: I Learn I Can’t Even Trust My Own Vibrator
Look, trust comes hard when you’re a woman. So many of us have been lied to, betrayed and let down by people and things in our lives, we’re naturally inclined toward skepticism and wariness.
Just a matter of weeks ago, I learned it’s even worse than I thought, because it turns out I can’t even trust my own vibrator.
December: My Husband Might Be A Spy, Too
After nearly 20 years of marriage, you think you know your spouse. Hell, you might even come to believe there’s nothing about them you don’t know. But then, along comes compelling, third-party data which gives you questions.
For instance, this month I learned through what I’m sure is a totally scientific and reliable study called “How long does sex last?” that the amount of time a man ‘lasts’ during sex varies according to his age and nationality. Based on the data, it turns out I’m not married to middle-aged guy of Scotch/Irish descent; I’m married to a young adult from India!
There you have it folks; the tumultuous year of 2017 boiled down to 12 bite-size pieces of absurdity. Here’s hoping 2018 is even sexier, even sillier – and lacks sex toys which turn into spies… unless, of course, they turn into ex-porn star, faux-jihadist spies, because that will always be awesome.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
