Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
I’ve never been sure what to make of self-help columnists, the “Dear Abby” types who receive letters (or pretend to, at least) from often frustrated, occasionally desperate readers seeking advice on everything from romantic relationships and family planning to their careers and party-hosting etiquette.
On the one hand, I feel for these columnists, because there must be days when they clasp their head in their hands and scream: “Why do these needy, pathetic losers always come to me for answers? Can’t they just ask Siri these days?”
On the other hand, there are times when all these columnists really need is a referral service, wherein they can simply tell one of their advice-seekers to connect with an advice-seeker of another self-help columnist, and then everyone will be happy – without having to read or write 800 words.
If Sexting You Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right
My idea for a self-help client referral program would prove seriously useful for two advice-seekers whose dilemmas I read about this week, one of whom addressed her concerns to Bukky Sanni of Pulse.ng, the other to Suzi Godson of The Times.
“In my previous relationship, I and my ex used to sext a lot and I really liked it,” wrote an unidentified Bukky reader. “I still do, but every time I tried to initiate it with my present boyfriend, he clamped up and ended the chats by looking for excuses to get out. I finally had to talk to him about it and he says he just cannot, that it’s not right. We have argued and argued about it but I have not been able to convince him.”
Godson’s reader, meanwhile, has the exact opposite problem. The headline of their exchange says it all: “He likes sexting more than sex.”
“I have met a new man who I’ve been dating for a couple of months,” the frustrated woman writes to Suzi. “Generally, he is fantastic. However, there is one problem. Despite the fact that he sends me lots of very fruity text messages, he never makes a move when we are together. Why doesn’t he want to have sex?”
While Bukky and Suzi do their best to speculate as to what these two women might do to get more (or less) sexting (or sex) out of their boyfriends, I think the most logical thing would be for them to exchange contact information for the mismatched fellows.
Hey, don’t laugh – if they pitched it right, this could turn into the basis of a terrific reality television show. “Self-Help Swappers,” perhaps, or maybe you could stick them all on a remote desert island and call it “Sext-Isle.”
Or Maybe He’s Just Scared?
“If your fantastic new man genuinely wanted an intimate relationship with you, he would almost certainly have made a move by now,” Suzi tells her reader. “The fact that he hasn’t even tried means one of two things: either he can’t, or he doesn’t want to.”
What follows is an amazing bit of rampant speculation, all of which makes me wonder if Suzi has been through a negative relationship experience of her own.
“It is also, I’m afraid, quite likely that he is seeing other people,” Suzi writes, because internet dating can “create a kind of ‘kid in a candy shop’ mentality,” and “men like this use sexting as way of keeping a selection of back-up dates while they continue to pursue new leads.”
Uh, don’t such men also want to have sex with those “new leads,” or is the theory this guy is just lining up a bunch of women to not have sex with?
There could be other explanations, of course.
“Some men, and your guy could be one of them, become so used to sexting and porn that they become overwhelmed and intimidated by the prospect of real-world connection and intimacy,” Suzi suggests. “It is also possible that he is actually married and through some twisted interpretation of fidelity, he believes that it’s OK for him to sext with you as long as he doesn’t make the relationship physical.”
And if that’s not it, maybe the guy’s dick just doesn’t work.
“There is also a possibility that he suffers from erectile dysfunction, which could make him reluctant to engage physically.”
Or maybe – and I know this is WAY out there – maybe he’s just one of those guys who doesn’t make the first move, period. Maybe he thinks because she appears to be receptive to his sexting, the advice-seeker is the kind of woman who will make the first move if she’s sexually interested in him.
It’s a crazy, wacky notion, I realize – but if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that in the world of advice-seekers and pseudonymous advisors, stranger things have happened.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
