Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
If your husband/boyfriend/boy-toy is anything like mine, then you’ve probably had the experience of him joyfully talking about a subject he knows makes your skin crawl.
From describing in needlessly graphic detail his worst-ever ankle injury (complete with a show-and-tell-friendly x-ray, no less) to his way-too-comprehensive accounting of what it’s like to pass (and catch in a coffee filter) a kidney stone, my husband has often regaled me with stories he knows I don’t want to hear.
Yes, I’ve tried leaving the room. Hell, I’ve considered leaving the state. But whenever I’ve employed evasive maneuvers, he has demonstrated an unexpected determination to follow and provide closure on his anecdotes.
Finally, I decided to fight fire with fire: Until the ledger has been balanced, until he has experienced as many cringing, cowering moments of utter disgust at things I say to him, I aim to make him do likewise, every chance I get.
Meet The Genre I Call “Old Reliable” – Penis Injury Stories
As a practical matter, I can’t get away with traumatizing my husband with horrible stories every day, so I tend to hoard them and only break them out on occasion. This not only assures my stock of cringeworthy ammunition remains in good supply, it also keeps him off balance and guessing when the next highly uncomfortable shoe will drop.
The latest arrow in my quiver, so to speak, comes from the most reliable genre of horror story I’ve found – at least when it comes to making my husband resort to putting on his headphones to drown me out. I’m speaking, of course, of penis-injury stories.
“MORNING GORY Dad who took Viagra to boost sex life BREAKS his todger after son jumps on bed for morning hug,” screams the headline from – where else? – British tabloid The Sun.
Clearly, some translation is going to be necessary with this one. While I’d like to think my husband would realize quickly from the context that a “todger” is a penis, it’s a chance I can’t afford to take. After all, if he’s not immediately knocked off balance by my verbal offensive, he’s liable to start talking about people finding fingernails inside their hamburgers.
Not All Details Are Created Equally Crucial
At any rate, let’s get back to the unfortunate man with the broken todger.
“The night before the injury happened he had taken 100mg of the erectile dysfunction drug, the normal dosage from someone having difficulty performing.”
Hmm. When I read this article to my husband, I’m going to omit the thing about Viagra, lest he come away with the impression this can only happen to men who take pills for their ED. Maybe someday, if he ever gets a prescription for the stuff, we’ll revisit this detail.
“The man, from India, tried ‘vigorous masturbation’ to relieve his problem but nothing worked, according to the British Medical Journal case report.”
No harm in telling him that; doubtlessly he already knows vigorous masturbation isn’t going to work, if he ever confronts a bout of priapism. Heck, any man who watches pro sports knows that much, unless he’s quick with the mute button during ad breaks.
“He decided to go to sleep in the hope it would go down overnight but later his child ran in for a morning cuddle and ‘mistakenly fell over his erect penis’, causing it to snap.”
In the retelling, I’m going to replace the kid with a dog; we don’t have kids.
“He developed ‘sudden severe pain’ in his penis.”
I’m thinking “excruciating” would make for a more effective adjective at this point in the narrative than “severe.”
Where’s The Beef? (So To Speak)
I must admit, this story doesn’t yet feel like the sort of thing which will really get under my husband’s skin.
Isn’t there some sort of detail which will bring to mind an image which he just can’t shake? Maybe some kind of analogy to a common object which is not exactly penis-like, but recognizably broken-penis-like?
“Upon examination doctors at King George’s Medical University in India noticed an ‘eggplant deformity’ on the man’s member and noted he had fractured his penis.”
Bingo.
I’m filing this one away for a rainy day – or maybe for a quick, unexpected counterstrike, the next time he references a video of an abscess popping, or comes into the bathroom while I’m taking a shower to tell me about a hockey player who shit out a 25-inch tapeworm.
The next move is yours honey; better make it count!
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
