Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
For some reason, I’ve just never been able to get into astrology, even as a form of mere entertainment and without putting any stock in the truth or value of horoscopes.
Maybe it’s because I was an astronomy major for a while in college (before realizing an accurate description of the coursework was “really difficult space-math”), or maybe it’s just an aversion to sentences which flatly assert things like “Mercury rules all types of communication, including listening, speaking, learning, reading, editing, researching, negotiating, selling, and buying,” but astronomy has never captured my fancy.
This doesn’t mean I never glance over a published horoscope though – particularly when it purports to tell me my “Sex Horoscope for the Weekend.”
Now Hiring: Horoscope Translators
Now that I’m reading Cosmo’s sex horoscope for the weekend, I remember another reason I’ve never been into astrology and reading horoscopes: To understand WTF the author of the horoscope is saying, one must first delve deeply into the jargon associated with astronomy – and I just don’t have time for that shit.
Just read the lines below – and if you’re one of those people who already knows the lingo, try to imagine reading the same sentence back before you became a member of the astrology cognoscenti.
“With your planetary ruler, Venus, in Virgo, your chart’s romantic zone is activated and you’re looking at some emotional progress in your relationships in the next few weeks.”
See what I mean? If I didn’t know any better (and honestly, I’m not sure I do know better), I would thin the author believed Earth is ruled by someone named Venus, who for the time being is living in a place called Virgo – and, somehow, because of these facts, I’m going to talk to my husband about maybe not being such a dick to people when he’s in a bad mood.
On to the More Important Subject – Me
I suppose it doesn’t matter what the confusing lines above mean, because those were part of the weekend sex horoscope for Taurus, and I only drive Toyotas.
Just kidding! I’m not that clueless about astrology. I know Taurus in this context is a sign of the Zodiac, even if I have no idea what the “Zodiac” is, other than a movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Robert Downey Jr.
This much I do know: I’m a Leo – which means, apparently, I’m part of “an ambitious lot” whose “strength of purpose allows them to accomplish a great deal.”
Among other things, the above characterization of Leos is something which will come as an immense surprise to my mother, who firmly believes her Scottish terrier aspires to greater things in life than I do.
“Relationship Issues” – Well, That Sure Sounds Like Super-Sexy Fun!
So, what does the weekend hold in store for me, sex horoscope-wise?
“With the Moon in your sign this weekend, expressing yourself and shining bright is a breeze.”
Right on, that sounds awesome… I think?
“The mood is romantic and optimistic, and the grouchy vibes of Cancer season are barely even noticeable!”
Cancer season? Is there a solstice associated with this, or is it more like baseball season? On second thought, forget I asked. Let’s just move on, shall we?
“As the Moon enters Virgo, your weekend of pleasure is amplified with a sexier mood.”
I don’t know about my weekend, but it sure sounds like old “Virgo” is headed for a good time!
“Energetic Mars moves into an uncomfortable angle with Venus in Virgo this week, forcing your relationship issues to rise to the surface.”
Are you kidding me? Just when I thought we were getting to the part where this alleged “sex horoscope” was going to tell me what positions will help my chakras align perfectly, or whatever, this thing takes Exit 69 to Bummerville.
Riddle me this Mistress Cosmo, or whomever wrote this stuff: How in the hell can the mood be “romantic and optimistic” and presumably getting sexier by the moment as the Moon penetrates Virgo, if I’m at an “uncomfortable angle” which is forcing my “relationship issues to rise to the surface”?
Fuck that. There is nothing sexy or romantic about relationship issues surfacing, no matter what angle it happens at. This is like telling me it’s a great weekend to hit Las Vegas for a marathon session of Craps because I’m bound by fate to roll only snake eyes for the next 72 hours.
No thanks, astrology – I’m going to stick with a far more reliable, inspiring and uplifting form of prognostication. I’m speaking, of course, of fortune cookies.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
