Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
It’s amazing how much things can change in a matter of months.
For example, a guy described by his former boss as a “fine person with a wonderful family” in April can somehow transform into someone that same former boss would strongly suggest others not hire by August. Hell, by the time December rolls around, that same “fine person” may devolve into a brazen liar who should “serve a full and complete sentence.”
Even love, considered by many to be the strongest force in the universe can’t guarantee the bonds of relations between people will last long. As it turns out, the same can be said of love-bolstered bonds between a person and an ex-person.
‘Til Death Do Us… Hmmm
Yes, it’s sad but true: Amanda Teague (AKA “Amanda Sparrow Large”) has announced that her marriage to 300-year-old pirate ghost “Jack” – consummated just 11 months ago – has already fallen apart.
“So I feel it’s time to let everyone know that my marriage is over,” Amanda wrote in a social media posting. “I will explain all in due course but for now all I want to say is be VERY careful when dabbling in spirituality, it’s not something to mess with.”
It’s a bit of an odd statement, in that as see things, deciding to marry a pirate ghost is way past dabbling in spirituality. Attending a Catholic mass but declining to participate in the eucharist is dabbling. Going to your local Hare Krishna temple on the night they give out free meals, but not staying for the religious service afterwards is dabbling. Marrying some Haitian pirate dude who was executed for thievery back in the 18th century is something else altogether.
We Details, Amanda – If Only for Closure
While I respect Amanda’s right to privacy, I hope she does someday offer a more detailed explanation for the breakup, because I figure it had to have been something serious – and therefor juicy.
After all, in February, Amanda said of Jack “he is my soulmate.” She said she was super happy and that her union with Jack “is the perfect kind of relationship for me.”
What did Jack do? Ghosts are well-known to be fond of hijinks – perhaps Jack got up to haunting some someone without consulting Amanda first? Even worse, maybe he got caught carousing around in Colorado with some floozy of a restaurant-ghost?
Maybe Jack decided spending eternity with a woman who makes a living imitating a pirate who shares his first name is a little too on-the-nose, even stalkerish? If so, he may have sought solace by bedding another mortal woman who’s on the record as being open to spectrophilia, but who doesn’t derive her income from imitating Disney pirates.
Oh Well – There’s Other Undead Fish in the Sea
The good news for Amanda, assuming she’s not giving up on ghost lovers entirely in response to the breakup of her marriage to Jack, is that her ex is far from the only eligible ghoul-bachelor out there on the human/spirit dating scene.
Given her interests, I’d advise Amanda to swipe right on Bernard Fokke, who is believed to be the model for the captain of the Flying Dutchman.
Sure, Bernie is a bit older than Jack, and he’s Frisian rather than Haitian, but at least he wasn’t put to death for stealing a pig, or a box of gold doubloons, or a pair of really puffy pants, or whatever it was that Jack stole to seal his fate.
I also understand Amanda might not want to risk having her heart broken by a seafaring ghost again, given how things worked out with Jack. In that case, Amanda should consider the Drummer of Tedworth.
Think about it, Amanda – he may not be Irish, per se, but as a longtime resident of the Wiltshire area, h may have more in common with you than a Haitian pirate. Plus, if Jack ever shows up, drunk and filled with regret, begging you to take him back, the drummer could drive him off by smacking Jack repeatedly (and, presumably, rhythmically as well) with his drumsticks.
Naturally, marrying the Drummer of Tedworth will not be without its challenges – including the fact nobody seems to know his name. I don’t think this should be a deal-killer for Amanda, though. Seeing as how she’s already tied the knot with an executed criminal, I suspect she’s not running background checks on her prospective soulmates.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
