Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
I firmly believe one reason so many people tend to believe conspiracy theories over simpler, seemingly more reasonable explanations is conspiracy theories are generally a lot more fun.
It’s kind of depressing, for example, to believe a single fruitcake with a rifle can pull off the assassination of a major political leader. If you instead go down the path of thinking about all the different cover-ups and plots which could, theoretically, be possible, pretty soon you’re talking about the CIA, the Rothschild family, shapeshifting aliens or any number of things which can render an otherwise mundane murder story into Movie of the Week territory.
In light of this phenomenon, I’m choosing not to believe Arizona state representative J.D. Mesnard’s website was simply “hacked” and redirected to a porn site by someone who had a cyber-bone to pick with Mesnard. Instead, I’ve come up with a couple fun alternative theories of my own, which I think should be treated at least as seriously as the idea the Mafia killed JFK.
You Have To Consider Aliens First (Alphabetically, At Least)
According to the ‘issues’ of page of Mesnard’s website, one of his big concerns is illegal immigration. Well, what could be more illegal as a form of immigration than coming here from completely different planet (and/or different dimension) to take away people’s jobs?
Given their reputed skill sets and proclivities, I’d be particularly concerned with illegal extraterrestials coming here and taking jobs away from the nation’s proctologists and veterinarians, but theoretically, these sneaky little green bastards could horn into any profession, if they’re of the aforementioned shapeshifting variety.
Shit, for all we know, some of Mesnard’s fellow representatives could be ET’s, themselves. Come to think of it, this would go a long way toward explaining some of the stranger legislation these folks have entertained in recent years.
The one real weakness of this theory, seems to me, is I can’t come up with any reason why Mesnard’s alien adversaries would bring online porn into the mix of their sinister anti-J.D. plot, particularly when they could just abduct the man, probe his butt and replace him with one of their own.
On the other hand, as the vanguard of their race’s interstellar exploration, it’s likely these aliens have a military background, which means a lot of them likely enjoy both pornography and a good prank. (In my vast imaginary experience, some things in military culture are truly “universal.”)
A Classic Case Of Misdirection
One of my more conspiracy-oriented friends once told me when something bad is getting a lot of play in the news, it’s probably the case the story is being pushed in order to keep something even worse from making the headlines.
For example, back in the Reagan days, while we were all wasting our time worrying about Ollie North and other Reagan Administration figures undermining the will and authority of Congress and The People via the Iran-Contra scandal, all kinds of other nefarious, terrible things slipped right by without anybody noticing – like the New York Giants winning the Super Bowl, or the Supreme Court ruling that Rotary Clubs had to allow in members who didn’t have penises.
In this case, it’s possible Mesnard redirected the website himself, hoping to distract people from legislation making its way through the Arizona legislature. For instance, right now there’s a bill (HB 2615) which would make it illegal for colleges and universities in the state to limit “any area on campus where free speech may be exercised” – which may not sound particularly controversial, except this is the Arizona Legislature we’re talking about here, so the speech they are trying to ensure remains “free” probably involves the right to express yourself politically by firing pistols at people suspected of being Hondurans.
‘Gas-Lit’ By Political Rivals
As a frequent sponsor of legislation and champion of causes dear to the hearts of Arizona’s conservatives (both social and fiscal), Mesnard has the potential to be a Republican rising star. Naturally, there’s no faster way to derail a conservative rising star than by suggesting he likes sex, even when he’s not actively trying to procreate.
Under this theory, somebody like Justin Olson, the Republican representing Arizona’s 25th District, would have unleashed a hacker on Mesnard’s website in order to tar him as some kind of cyber-pervert, thereby transforming himself to the local GOP’s rising star du jour.
Sure, they could have started a rumor involving Mesnard having sex, but when it comes right down to it, interest in porn is a better boogeyman trait in this day and age, when outside the Republican party people don’t care if you’re fucking a snake-infested hole in the ground, so long as the hole (and/r the snakes) provided affirmative consent.
Once elevated to the position of being the Arizona GOP’s anointed one, Olson could then rocket to national prominence – just in time to cover his head in a paper bag to avoid being pegged as a Republican, once the party’s brand has been irrevocably maimed by Donald Trump.
Are all these theories concerning Mesnard’s website trouble entirely baseless? You bet they are. Unfair and ridiculous? Yeah, no question about that, either. But at the end of the day, aren’t they also a lot more fun than thinking some random, Anonymous-wannabee hacked Mesnard’s website and pointed it toward online porn for no particular reason?
Wait – don’t answer that, actually; you wouldn’t want one of THEM to hear you.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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