Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
As you might expect, from within the porn industry, response to the rumored arrival of another celebrity sex tape is a bit more muted than it is in social and traditional media. It’s not just that those of us who work within the industry are a bit numb to the presence of naked and/or fucking people (although that’s part of it), it’s also the shared opinion that most of these tapes just aren’t very good as porn.
Still, there’s no denying the selling power of celebrity sex tapes, both in literal terms when such footage is made commercially available and in their ability to generate publicity for their participants.
It was a sex tape which first brought Paris Hilton to my attention, for example (in fact, when I first saw a headline about the existence of a “Paris Hilton celebrity sex tape,” I assumed it was a sex tape featuring celebrities which had been filmed inside a French hotel), and the same can be said of Kim Kardashian, whose father I was vaguely aware of from the days of the OJ Simpson trial, but whose name otherwise meant nothing to me until it was splashed across the media because of her sex tape.
As such, the big question on my mind concerning the rumored sex tape made by Kylie Jenner and Tyga is “How many and what type of reality TV shows will this tape result in?”
How About A Top Chef/Kardashians Crossover?
Since the formula for most new reality TV shows seems to be merging and recombining other existing reality shows, I think the best way to settle the brouhaha which will certainly arise once the Kylie sex tape inevitably becomes public is through a cook-off between Kylie an Tyga – or perhaps a team competition between the whole Kardashian clan and Tyga’s “crew,” whomever they might be.
Sure, this idea could backfire, especially if one of the contestants were to serve Tom Colicchio an undercooked plate of Salmonella Cordon Bleu, but on the bright side, this would be offset by the fact every episode results in someone being sent home. Actually, for the sake of the quality of future American pop culture, we might consider banning each episode’s loser to Turkmenistan.
If nothing else, it would be a gas to listen in as the celebrity judges mercilessly skewered Teams Kylie and Tyga over their plate’s poor presentation, or the “clear lack of passion for food” reflected by their choice to make meatloaf the centerpiece of their final challenge dinner.
Can Single People Be Forced To Go To Marriage Boot Camp?
I’ve never actually watched the show, but I’ve seen enough ads for “Marriage Boot Camp” to know the real point of the show is to get struggling couples to hate each other even more than they already do, the key part being they have to spew their venom back and forth on camera, so the audience can enjoy reviling both of them as much as they despise each other.
If we can’t get Kylie and Tyga competitively cooking, maybe we can at least shut them in the same house for a couple weeks to work out their differences while facing a series of tests and challenges – perhaps even navigating an obstacle course borrowed from American Ninja.
To assure high ratings, Tyga could be forced to run the obstacle course while simultaneously engaging in a rap battle with a celebrity guest (Snoop Dogg will appear anywhere these days if the money is right), while Kylie can be made to run the course wearing nothing but yoga pants and a half-shirt.
How About Survivor, Only No Cameras And Only Two Contestants?
If all else fails and we can’t get Tyga and Kylie to compete in any other way, maybe we could ship them to some remote location in the South Pacific under the guise of having them compete on a new season of “Celebrity Super Survivor” – and then we could just ‘forget’ to send a camera crew, support team, food, or transportation back to the states.
On the down side, this approach obviously would not result in a television show – unless ABC decides to go looking for the stranded pair in order to create some sort of evil drama-reality crossover, like “Lost: The Celebrity Edition.”
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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