Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
I’ve never been big on theme restaurants, especially the hokey ones with road signs hung all over the walls. I can’t quite explain it, but for some reason when I’m sitting in places like that, I start hearing the banjo riff from Deliverance in my head – and I just can’t eat while picturing Ned Beatty with four on the floor, squealing like a pig.
Hooters bothers me too, but not for the reasons it bothers a lot of other women I know. I could care less about the voluntary objectification the waitresses there participate in; what I can’t get past is those decidedly nasty-tasting wings. Shake all the scantily clad boobs and booty around me you wish – but if you serve me a hot wing which tastes like the aftermath of the last time I drank way, way too much, you’re dead to me.
All that said, I’d still happily give Ke’er restaurant in Beijing a try. After all, how often does one get the chance to publicly crack a bottle with an opener shaped like a penis?
What; No Puppy Cage Seating?
While Ke’er is off to a good start, with its breast-shaped drinking cups, phallic bottle openers, inflatable sex dolls on the walls and other visual elements, but I think in order to really live up to its mission statement, the eatery needs to step up its BDSM game even further.
“Food and sex are the basic desires of humans, and the phrase has not changed in more than 5,000 years,” said Ke’er owner Lu Lu, according to Reuters. “’Release your basic instincts’ and ‘Liberate yourself’ are the two concepts we used as the basis for the restaurant.”
Without being familiar with the laws and zoning regulations of Beijing, it’s hard for me to say whether any of my suggestions would actually fly, but right off the top of my head, I can think of several modifications which would really take the kinky sex and funky food mix at Ke’er to a whole new level.
A puppy cage seating option for submissive folk who prefer to enjoy their meals with a dose of humiliation, for example, would be a very nice touch. And instead of booths with bench seating, individual benches of a slightly different orientation might be in order.
I might feel differently about it once the item had been used for its originally intended purpose, but part of me kind of likes the idea of stirring my breast-cup drink with a pink pig tail butt plug, too.
Can I Speak To The Manager? My Waitress Isn’t Cruel Enough
One of Lu Lu’s plans for Ke’er is to offer handcuffs to female diners, allowing their male patrons to feed their handcuffed dates. This is a fine idea (albeit one which clearly needs to be offered in reverse, as well), but here again, I see potential for options which are both more authentic and more likely to inspire loyalty in Ke’er clientele.
If I were running the joint, each incoming table would first get to choose whether they wanted their server to be dom or sub, male or female, and the general way in which the meal/encounter is to progress.
For guests who prefer to be in control, they could sip sake and nibble edamame while resting their feet on the back and/or necks of their servers, or flail a servant with a cat o’ nine tails while waiting for the next plate of fresh sushi rolls to arrive.
Instead of a smoking section, Ke’er could have a hot wax section, wherein patrons could take the candles from their tables and amuse themselves by dribbling abstract designs onto the bodies of the wait staff, perhaps requiring the busboy to clean up the mess using his tongue at the end of each course.
It wouldn’t be all pain and abuse for the waiters and hostesses, naturally, because presumably a decent percentage of patrons would come in looking for the submissive dining experience, allowing the staff of Ke’er to work off their frustrations and stress by smacking around hipster Yelp reviewers using a variety of both BDSM implements and common kitchen tools. (I don’t know if you’ve ever clobbered someone with a wok; if not, take it from me, it makes a very satisfying PUNGGGG sound as it rebounds off your victim’s skull. (Just thinking about it makes me hungry!)
At any rate, despite having been briefly shut down for allowing customers to touch a woman’s breast (through her clothes), it sounds like Ke’er is doing brisk business and as such probably doesn’t need my advice on how to improve their kinky café’.
An American franchise option, on the other hand, could be in the cards; you just never know. Should it happen, and Ke’er has its eyes on the West Coast…. Well, all I can say is call me, Lu Lu!
Photo Credit: Colin Rowntree Wasteland.com
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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