Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Another day, another news article freaking out over porn consumption at a federal agency. Making matters worse, this time there’s an oh-so-surprising added piece of information: The same guys who spend a ton of work time watching porn also occasionally masturbate in the bathroom at work.
Wait a minute; people who watch porn also have a tendency to masturbate as a function of watching said porn?
I’m shocked. I mean, who could have seen that coming? People masturbating to porn?
Next you’re going to tell me that in addition to talking to each other while standing next to it, some people actually fill up cups with that clear liquid found inside the office water cooler.
Masturbation Is Not A New Thing, Even In The Workplace
While it’s not something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about (or particularly want to spend a lot of time thinking about), I’m fairly certain I’ve worked for more than one company at which there was some on-the-clock wanking going on.
Perhaps surprisingly, the porn companies for which I’ve worked are not the former jobs I have in mind when I say this. I’m thinking of a software company at which certain guys disappeared into the bathroom for a long, long time – without leaving behind the telltale smells indicating they’d spent time in there for the typical purpose for which men disappear into bathrooms for unreasonable stretches of what should be work time.
Although the internet did (technically) exist back then, I doubt exposure to online porn was the reason for my coworkers’ autoerotic adventures in the toilet stalls, simply because in that era of internet history, it took more time to download even a single dirty picture than a desperately horny man’s patience can possibly bear when he’s got some spanking to do.
Of All The Creepy Things Men Do, Privately Masturbating Is The Problem?
It always struck me as odd that the women around the software company office gossiped about surreptitious workplace masturbation in tones even more hushed than those they exchanged the rumors concerning who was cheating on their spouses with whom, or which of our (all married) bosses were the most lecherous.
For some reason, the allegedly profligate infidelity and wayward come-ons from management were considered less creepy than someone masturbating behind closed doors inside a men’s room in which we never even set foot. It was a calculation which didn’t make a lot of sense to me, especially in light of the fact customer service manager had a penchant for giving unsolicited shoulder rubs to the women around the office, something which nearly got his hand bitten off by yours truly on more than one occasion.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t think it’s a good thing for people to masturbate at work (and by the way, I’ve met two women in my time who admitted to having done the same, lest anybody think only men are capable of this sort of impropriety), but I’d rather have a coworker slink off to the restroom for a tug than have the same guy show up in my cubicle to massage my neck without permission and ask after my plans for Friday night.
Someone Is Shitface-Drunk At Work Every Day; Blame The Alcohol?
One of the other daily sources of entertainment around the office at the software company was a vice president who hit the bottle hard, every day, by noon. Amazingly, this not-at-all secret fact was not just tolerated by the powers that be, it was almost celebrated. Where one might expect to have found disapproval, there was instead amazement; how did he manage to function so well while three sheets to the wind?
To be fair, this executive was tolerated in large part because despite his near-constant inebriation, he was actually pretty effective in his job. I find myself wondering if the EPA employees who watched all that porn were as effective as my former drunken boss, if their habits might have been overlooked, as well.
Of course, every time I wonder such things, I have to remind myself of something porn has which alcohol doesn’t – or which booze doesn’t have anymore, at least: About a zillion social conservatives just waiting to get fired up about each and every negative news item they read about the stuff.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
