Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Ever since late last Tuesday night, when it became clear who was going to win the presidential election, I’ve been thinking about the future. Like a lot of other Americans, I’m anxious as hell about it – and since the only real coping and defense mechanisms I’ve ever developed are cynicism and sarcasm, my vision of the future is filled with possibly too-true quips that won’t make anyone feel any better, but which I still can’t help but make.
Trying to channel all this election-related angst into something at least a little productive, I’ve been reading online tea leaves to see if I can divine, several years in advance, who will eventually succeed our current President-elect once he’s served his four (or eight) year stint as our Reality TV Star in Chief.
Ready For A Real Housewife of Pennsylvania Avenue?
Something which greatly complicates my self-appointed task of predicting the identity of our next president is the fact I don’t watch any reality TV shows. This hasn’t always been the case; I must admit to going through a brief Top Chef phase, along with watching the occasional episode of The Ultimate Fighter as part of my ongoing infatuation with gay porn.
I don’t think my limited experience in watching those shows is going to help much though, because I suspect neither a gourmet chef nor Forrest Griffin is going to run for office any time soon – which is too bad, because if they amended the structure of the presidential debates to include a cage fighting element, I bet a lot more Americans would tune in.
At any rate, to overcome my total inability to sit through an entire episode of any reality show, I’ve relied on Google to find suitable political prospects from within that tawdry realm. To narrow the field based on the same sort of criteria by which we evidently selected the 45th President of the United States, I’ve included the qualifying term “porn” in my searches.
This approach led me straight to two potential candidates I believe to have great promise. Amazingly, they’re not only on the same reality TV show(s), they are also husband and wife.
Yes, I’m talking about Amber and Jim Marchese, who are somehow featured personalities on both Real Housewives of New Jersey and a program called Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars which sounds like something truly awful we’re making American soldiers endure as part of being trained to kill on command.
At any rate, among Amber Marchese’s strongest qualifications, based on my very thorough of review of nearly several paragraphs of text about her, is her honesty and self-awareness.
“Oh my God,” she said in a recent episode. “I’m an asshole.”
Ordinarily, such a sentiment might not be viewed as particularly “presidential,” but given what happened last Tuesday, it’s obvious America loves itself some reality TV asshole – and I think four years from now, we’ll finally be ready to give a female reality TV asshole a chance. (To paraphrase our president elect, what the hell do we have to lose?)
Or Maybe We’re Just Not Ready Yet….
Of course, the last week has also shown us female candidates are held to a higher standard than male candidates – which is to say any standard at all.
As such, it might be hard for Amber to overcome the resistance of white male voters, who may not trust her to not get groped during the transition of power from the previous administration. Luckily, Amber’s husband Jim shares her crucial reality TV bona fides and has a penis, so if he has the requisite charisma, media savvy and total lack of shame, he should be a shoe-in.
Unfortunately, Jim didn’t have a lot to say in the portion of the one article I was willing to take the time to read in assessing his qualifications to serve as the country’s chief executive, so we’re left with something not entirely satisfactory by which to judge him:
“Don’t look at me, how could you,” Jim said. “How dare you…. No! This is what I go through!”
On second thought, that little sentence fragment makes about as much sense as anything Trump said during his entire campaign, so maybe we’ve heard all we need to from Jim, after all.
Third Party Options, Just In Case Amber And Jim Are Too ‘Elite’
The one problem I can see with running Amber or Jim Marchese is they might be too “establishment” with respect to their reality TV profile. They’ve already been on two shows, after all, the first of which evidently rendered them celebrities, so maybe now they’d be too ‘elite’ for real Americans to trust with their votes.
This brings me to the cast members of Sex Factor, the porn-themed reality show so non-elite, there’s a good chance nobody who is part of the establishment even knows it exists, let alone has had a chance to corrupt it with lobbyists, Wall Street money or wayward confidential emails.
Applying the same exacting criteria I applied to whatever the other shows I’ve already mentioned are called (sorry; I’m too depressed to scroll up right now), I found a description of Sex Factor which really drives home how qualified its participants are to hold the nation’s highest office.
“The beauty of The Sex Factor…. is how easily it slips into the same routine as other reality shows,” writes Janis Hopkins of VICE UK. “Tantrums, bitching, egos floating high and serene like bloated zeppelins. Stern judges and contrived challenges. After a while, if you allow yourself to be embraced by the format, you almost forget that it’s porn.”
Sounds perfect! The only problem is I don’t want this post to turn into a book, so rather than read further about the (presumably varying) qualifications of each Sex Factor contestant, I’m just going to pick one arbitrarily, based largely on his or her name – in other words, the same protocol the Libertarian party employed in selecting Gary Johnson this year.
So, with no further ado, let’s all give a resounding congratulatory pat on the back to Hero D. Protagonist, the 2020 nominee from the Green Party, or the Libertarian Party, or maybe the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. Ultimately it doesn’t matter which third party he represents, because even in the best-case scenario, a maximum of around 4% of the electorate will opt for him over a Democrat or Republican nominee, even if he has a cleaner rap sheet than either of them.
Then again, Mr. Protagonist was recently accused of…. Well, something involving a sexual impropriety (I think?), so maybe he’ll capture a major party nomination, after all.
See? I told you these jokes wouldn’t help.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
