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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Let’s get one thing straight, right off the bat: Despite what the headlines might say, there’s no such thing as a “porn-seeking dog.”
What the state of Utah has acquired is a dog trained to sniff out things like electronic components, mobile phones, external hard drives – the kinds of things which often have porn stored on them, but which clearly are not examples of pornography.
Obviously, it’s a lot more fun to believe there are police dogs who have been trained to sniff out pornography than to acknowledge what they’re really doing is hoovering a suspect’s carpet hot on the trail of a laptop.
Even more fun (for an easily entertained nerdette like me, at least) is to think about if there were porn-sniffing dogs, which particular breeds might be employed to seek out what specific porn genres, based on traits, abilities and backgrounds inherent to each of them.
Give It Up, Pervert: You’re Surrounded By Min-Pins
In honor of Paris Hilton’s central role in popularizing celebrity sex tapes, I think the official celebrity porn-seeking dog breed should be the Teacup Chihuahua.
Ever vigilant, perpetually nervous and small enough to crawl inside even the dinkiest of sock drawers, I’m confident the Teacup Chihuahua would quickly be able to overcome the skepticism of its police handlers, who are obviously accustomed to working with more macho breeds.
You can’t beat a Chihuahua for tenacity, though. They might not be able to bring down a suspect like Doberman, but they sure can annoy the piss out of people with all that high-pitched yapping, so maybe they could also be used as a crowd control measure, to augment that horrible house music cops occasionally blare at unruly mobs of rioters.
Speaking of breeds frequently employed as police dogs, the tried and true German Shepherd would not find itself out of work with the influx of porn-sniffing dogs. Clearly, no other breed is better equipped to ferret out strange Bavarian fetish porn, or the dreaded “German Goo Girl” – so long as the girls in question haven’t swallowed all the evidence, of course.
Digging up hirsute videos is not for the feint of dog-heart, so it’s probably best this task be assigned to a breed which isn’t averse to lots and lots of hair, like an Afghan Hound or Great Pyrenees. I suppose one could take a different approach, though, and give the job to a breed which might be particularly passionate about in its search for hair for its own reasons, like a Chinese Crested.
Sensitivity Training Will Need To Be A Part Of This Effort
As we roll out our multi-breed cadre of porn-sniffing canine cops, we will need to be mindful to avoid flawed assumptions and cultural stereotypes which could be counterproductive, or even generate angry blowback from the community.
For example, we can’t just assume a Shar-Pei will be good at finding Asian porn because it’s a Chinese breed. Not only is this assumption racist and xenophobic, it also overlooks the obvious fact the correct niche for a Shar-Pei to be policing is the highly-wrinkled field of elder porn.
By the same token, a Shiba Inu isn’t necessarily going to be any better at locating Japanese rope bondage DVDs just because the breed comes from Japan. Offhand, I’d say this particular task should be assigned to this talented pup here.
In other instances, however, choosing a breed based on its country of origin does make sense. As a person of Scottish descent, I can tell you firsthand many of us Scots simply don’t trust outsiders – so if you’re going to enter the home of a Scotsman with a warrant which gives you the right to take a peak beneath his porn-kilt, so to speak, you’d best bring a Cairn or Scottish Terrier, not some mongrel from the Continent, who might raid their fridge and eat all the leftover haggis.
Why Stop At Dogs?
With Utah in the middle of a porn-driven public health crisis, it’s time to get more creative with our anti-porn solutions. Why stop at porn-sniffing dogs when there are so many other species with something to contribute to the cause?
I have to imagine some porn fans, especially the really evil ones, don’t just leave their porn sitting around inside their house where it might be found by a porn-seeking dog, they probably take steps to conceal and secure their filthy archives, possibly in underground bunkers.
Even dog breeds known for digging under fences would probably run out of steam before finding an underground porn stash, so to guard against the possibility of Utah residents burying their porn like pirate’s gold, a team of porn-seeking moles, or maybe porn-seeking badgers, should be assembled forthwith.
What about people who only stream porn videos, leaving only the barest trace evidence in their browser and history caches? I say we catch them in the act, using specially trained porn-seeking falcons. We can mount little WiFi and satellite signal-jammers on them, release a few hundred in the skies over Salt Lake, then sit back and watch our aerial culture-warriors clean up the Industry State, one interrupted MILF video at a time.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
