Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Despite spending the better part of half my life working in the porn industry, I know almost nothing about choosing a good location for a porn shoot.
While we’re all familiar with the practice of porn producers renting out upscale homes in which to film (a practice which doesn’t always work out so well for all parties involved), I’m not at all sure how this process works.
Does someone from the studio do a walkthrough of the home first to make sure it’s suitable for filming? Alternatively, do they rely on ‘virtual tours’ available on some real estate listing websites, perhaps?
If a certain porn location-related news item which came to light this week is any indication, pornographers may need to add a new type of consultant to their list of location advisors and information resources; a trustworthy pest-control professional.
Guys, The Set Is Supposed To Get Dirty DURING Filming, Not Before
According to the lawsuit filed by Colette and Brigham Field, the founders of X-Art, a Pacific Palisades mansion they rented from NBA starcChris Bosh was not exactly posh. Among other things, the home allegedly suffered from plumbing issues, leaks, poor internet connectivity, the presence of toxic mold and a prodigious amount of rat feces.
The porno-plaintiffs claimed the conditions were so bad they “had to seek medical assistance for sickness and rashes that they suffered from the time when the mold could be seen and smelled.”
Now, to be fair to Bosh, I’m betting he’s not personally responsible for cleaning the house, and likely hasn’t set foot in the thing for years. This doesn’t mean he’s not legally responsible for the condition of the place, however, especially with respect to people he rented it out to on a short-term basis, and for significant chunk of change. (The Fields are seeking the return of a $92,000 security deposit and other unspecified damages.)
Whatever a porn studio’s expectations of a rental property might be going in, I’m guessing the notion a mansion is quietly serving as a massive rodent latrine is not one of those expectations. After all, when it comes to things getting dirty on a porn set, it’s typically the pornographers and performers responsible for the filth at issue, not a ‘preexisting condition’ of the venue, so to speak.
From Rap Tracks To Rat Craps?
Presumably, if the Fields’ allegations concerning the condition of the home are accurate, it’s a relatively new development. Either that, or the rapper known as Childish Gambino has significantly lower standards for his recording venues than X-Art has for their porn sets, seeing as how he referred to Bosh’s home as “The Temple” after recording tracks for his album “Because the Internet” there.
“Me and my friends rented a house,” Gambino told Tim Westwood in a 2013 interview. “It was Chris Bosh’s mansion. I shouted him out before. We stayed there, and we just ate s’mores and, like, made songs and stuff like that.”
Hmmm.
You “ate s’mores,” eh? I sure hope you brought the chocolate for the s’mores with you to the mansion instead of raiding Bosh’s cupboard, or at least didn’t use any small pieces shaped vaguely like a tiny banana. Otherwise, those s’mores may have included the wrong sort of ‘organic ingredients,’ if you take my drift.
Besides, when your nickname is “Childish Gambino,” it’s hard for me to imagine you letting anything as off-putting as toxic mold slide without some sort of public or private tantrum, presumably one involving lots of obscenities and some correctional gunfire, or a baseball bat, at least.
Either way, I have to believe if the Bosh mansion was covered in toxic mold and leaking like a sieve when he recorded there, Gambino would have been throwing shade, not shout-outs, to Bosh back in 2013.
Now The Practical Question: Where To Rent For The Sequel
I don’t know if they’ve thought this far ahead, but if I were the Fields, I’d already be planning my next move for whatever video series this ill-fated rental mansion is a part.
You might not think so, but to me conceptual continuity is as crucial for pornographers as it is for Hollywood producers. So, while I’m sure X-Art would like to avoid toxic mold during future productions, they don’t want to go too upscale for the sequel, or it could cause the original to look cheap and shoddy by comparison.
In light of this concern, while I don’t have a specific location to suggest, I do have another NBA-landlord the Fields should consider as a step up, but not too far up, from Bosh: His fellow former All-Star Antoine Walker.
On second thought, according to the Chicago Tribune, Walker’s properties also suffered from mold problems, rodents and the added benefit of a “roach infestation that resulted in its failing several inspections tied to federal rent subsidies.”
OK, forget what I said about renting from Walker; maybe the Fields should try renting from someone associated with the NFL, instead. How about a luxury suite at AT&T Stadium? Sure, they leave a little to be desired from a privacy standpoint, but I’d bet my bottom dollar there’s no rat crap in there – but if there is, you can bet it’s the finest, gaudiest, most expensive rat crap in all of Texas!
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
