Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
I’m sure you’ve heard it said derisively, or perhaps seen it posted with oodles of snark in the comments section below an online news article, or even seen it in the context of an article criticizing another article for its lack of gravitas: “Must have been a slow news day.”
As someone who makes a substantial part of her living writing about some of the least weighty and most frivolous subjects available, I’m always hesitant to be too critical of others for doing the same, even if the writer in question is employed by a serious mainstream news organization – or as a certain current head of state prefers to call them, “fake news” organizations.
It’s also true writers don’t always delve into the trivial for lack of anything else to write about that day; sometimes they do it for far more noble and time-honored reasons – like the opportunity to make a series of groan-inducing puns.
Too Many Happy Coincidences To Ignore
Sometimes, a situation simply presents too many wordplay-friendly coincidences to be ignored, even if the overall newsworthiness of the story is highly questionable.
Take, for example, a recent Irish Sun piece about a male porn performer turned bank manager, a story light on legitimate purpose but delightfully weighted down with cringeworthy wordplay and too-easy sexual innuendo.
Seriously, you can’t go a single line of this piece without running into a gift the facts of this situation offered to the author (Gary Meneely) – several of which I’ve highlighted with bold text, not because they’d otherwise be so subtle as to go unnoticed, but just to underline how many there are.
“The 36-year-old from Kilcock, Co Kildare, is a manager in the Arrears Support Unit based in AIB Bankcentre, Ballsbridge, Dublin.
Twenty words, three groaners, without even having to manufacture any of the innuendo involved. Not bad, but what can the author add of his own ingenuity, once the Kilcocks and Ballsbridges have already been name-dropped?
“The Irish Sun on Sunday can now reveal Stephen has given special bailouts of his own,” the article continues. “In sex videos freely available online, Stephen shows he is big on withdrawals, lodgements and deposits by working in a-rears with blonde nympho Tate.”
Well played, Mr. Meneely. It’s a solid start, but what else have you got?
“The randy banker showed he has an eye for figures upon being greeted by a scantily-clad Tanya at the grubby caravan,” Meneely writes. “As they prepare for their big merger, Tanya tells how they had been emailing repeatedly to arrange the hook-up.”
Come on now Gary; a few paragraphs in and you’re losing pun-steam already?
How Did This Excuse To Make Bad Puns Become A Porn Review?
As Meneely’s piece goes on, all pretense of the ‘news’ involved (the point of which was, presumably, letting people know one of the managers in a sizeable Irish bank is a former porn star) disappears. Suddenly, inexplicably, we’re reading a porn movie review.
“The finance expert admits to being ‘a little bit cold’ on arrival but quickly finds his best form,” Meneely reports. “As he fondles her choice boobies, Stephen whispers: ‘Yeah nice and warm. They will warm the hands fairly quickly alright. Like a hot water bottle.’ The pair quickly get down to business, starting off with oral pleasure.”
Her “choice” boobies? Do you mean to tell me Tanya Tate’s breasts don’t rate a “prime” grade? This Meneely is one tough critic!
As it turns out, Meneely isn’t just a tough critic, he’s also one who favors the old obscenity-redaction-by-use-of-asterisk approach to rendering dialogue which is too racy for print.
“Stephen is soon purring: “Ah jesus yeah, ah f*** yeah. It’s great. Ah sh*t, yeah. F***ing great, it feels so f**king good.”
See, this here is the sign of an inexperienced porn reviewer; nobody interested in watching this video is wondering about the finer points of the dialogue – and we surely didn’t need to be told the guy in the video likes having his dick sucked. In my (considerable) experience, at least, every man likes having his dick sucked.
OK, You’ve Had Your Fun; Let The Man Bank In Peace
On the less humorous side of things, Stephen Byrne sounds like a guy who considers his porn performing days to be very much over, and who would like to be left alone about it, accordingly.
“Approached by the Irish Sun on Sunday about the graphic movies, Byrne insisted his porn account was now closed,” Meneely explains. “Speaking to us from his home, he declared: ‘I have a different life now.’”
From porn performer to bank manager? Yeah, I’d say his current day-to-day is significantly different from his past one. Among other things, I’d wager he’s getting that dick of his sucked a lot less often. Or maybe not – he does work in the Arrears Support Unit, and
I’m sure he runs across a lot of people who are willing to do anything to avoid defaulting on a loan.
Either way, now that Meenely and the Irish Sun have had their fun with the pun-friendly facts of Byrne’s life, I hope they can find it in their heart (or perhaps some other organ) to withdraw from this story – or at least put a hold on it until Byrne transitions into handling retirement accounts for Irish MILFs.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
