Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Long before anyone was calling them “life hacks,” I became obsessed with alternate uses for everyday objects. My fascination started when I was very young, as I watched my grandfather putting foil-wrapped, not-yet-cooked burritos under the hood of his truck right before we embarked on a long drive.
“By the time we get to Cottonwood, these will be cooked through and ready to eat,” he told me with a wink.
I was sure the burritos would taste like burning oil smells, but to my delight, they tasted no worse than any other burrito my grandfather had ever made – which is to say not “good,” but certainly edible than a timing belt.
More recently, my fancy has been tickled by things like the many alternative uses for binder clips, using salad spinners to dry clothes and – of course! – all sorts of things you can do with sex-related products which have nothing to do with sex.
Sure, I’ll Mount It – But Not Like You Think
Some people enjoy anal sex, but I don’t happen to be one of them. So, if my husband were ever to show up (grinning ear to ear, no doubt) in the bedroom with a butt plug in his hands, I’d happily take it from him – then mount it on the wall to address the problem with the bedroom doorknob gradually punching a hole in the wall.
Of course, if he wanted me to chill out about the doorknob, he doesn’t need a butt plug to do it; he could just use a rabbit vibrator to mix up a nice cocktail with which to soothe my nerves.
Of course, even once I’d copped a nice buzz, it’s conceivable I would still be stressed out by that damn doorknob – so just in case the drink didn’t do the trick, he could supply me with a realistic dildo equipped with a squishy scrotum I could use as an immensely satisfying stress ball (or pair thereof).
In The Military, They Call This A “Field-Expedient Solution”
I’ve never served in the military, but a whole mess of the men in my family have, including my dad, who was a MASH unit surgeon in Korea. Several of the family vets have told me stories about the need to improvise solutions to common battlefield responses – but I must admit, none of them ever told me about using condoms to keep dirt and moisture out of the barrels of their rifles.
Apparently, this approach to (literal) gun protection was developed during World War II, then reprised during the invasion of Iraq – and employed to such a great extent it purportedly led to a stock price increase for a Japanese condom manufacturer.
Hmmm… This gives me an idea: I’m sure a Ford vehicle could keep rifles dry and dirt-free, too, right?
Keith Moon Would Approve – But Only If You Also Smashed The TV With Them
Practical uses of pleasure products are great and all, but I’m even more enthusiastic about artistic applications for them – like using dildos as drumsticks, for example.
You see that, Tommy Lee? Instead of getting stuck upside-down in your silly rotating drum kit, you could delight your fans by busting out a pair of Jeff Stryker cocks during a rousing rendition of “Girls, Girls, Girls”!
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
