Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s getting wishy-washy advice from an alleged “expert” on the topic at hand.
The last time I spoke to an intellectual property attorney, for example, instead of just answering my question about the copyright law implications of embedding someone else’s tweets or other social media updates within my blog posts, he hemmed and hawed, talked about “discrepancies between judicial circuits” (which I mistakenly thought meant some federal judges are androids, when apparently it means something else entirely) and a recent decision which has the potential to “turn the relevant precedent on its head.”
In other words, that was a meeting I have now filed under “Sorry I Asked.”
Granted, at least when I get wishy-washy sex advice from a Cosmopolitan article, it costs significantly less than getting the same from my attorney.
Enough With The “If They Do (X), It Could Mean Either (Y) Or (Z)” Already
Judging by the Cosmo article linked above, counsellor/sex therapist Denise Knowles and my lawyer would get along famously – either that, or they’d be so infuriated by each other’s equivocating, they’d fall into total silence on their first date before the waiter had returned with their beverage order, let alone the appetizers.
“If (your partner is) flirting with you, touching you and kissing you when you’re not having sex, this is a sign they’re happy with your sex life,” Knowles says.
OK, that’s straightforward enough – PDA is a good sign.
“Some people are very private though,” Knowles adds, “so don’t read into it too much if they’re not kissing you in public.”
OK, so PDA is a good sign, but lack of PDA is not necessarily a bad sign. Great – I feel more, or maybe less, informed already!
How about if my partner makes noises during sex, that’s good, right?
“Some people will sigh, giggle, grunt and scream,” to indicate pleasure, Knowles says. “However, others will have sex in utter silence, but are having the time of their lives.”
OK, so sounds are good, except when they’re meaningless, and silence could be bad, or it could be someone having the time of her/his life?
As an old friend of mine used to say, this advice is “worth its weight in sawdust.”
To hell with this – I’m just going to offer some advice on which you people can really depend. That’s right, it’s time for….
Three Surefire Signs Your Partner Is NOT Enjoying Sex
I figure if an expert like Knowles can’t sort out the good sings, there’s no chance I’m going to be able to do so. Instead, let’s look at three surefire signs your partner would rather be getting root canal than having sex with you.
They start reading a book. Sure, some people love to read, but I’ve never met a man so into reading he’s liable to start doing it while he’s having his penis sucked. Speaking for myself, I’d only resort to reading during sex if my husband were to fall asleep (again) while performing cunnilingus, which may seem unlikely. I just don’t have the heart to wake him up before 7am, you know?
They start talking about food. No joke, this one has happened to me. I’m on top, having a pretty good ride, and he starts asking me what I’d like to do about dinner. Seriously? Can I cum first, Hungry Man? Pro tip for the fellas by the way – don’t do this, ever, if you have any desire whatsoever to fuck the person in question again.
They change the channel on the TV. A lot of the time, good sex starts out of nowhere, as a spontaneous thing. Sometimes, this means you leave the TV on as you go at it, because things fire up so suddenly, neither you nor your partner thinks to shut it off, or the remote is on the other side of the room and you don’t want to disengage with your partner just to deal with the TV. If the remote is nearby, though, and your partner reaches for it to change the channel, rather than turn off the TV, this is not a good sign.
And now comes the part where I do equivocating of my own: Some channel and show selections are worse signs than others, obviously. If your partner puts on softcore cable porn, for example, it could be she or he is just looking for a little added inspiration or mood-aiding. It’s still not ideal, but you can let it slide.
If your partner puts on Top Chef, however….
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
