Retaining an attorney can be a tricky business. From the perspective of a layperson, it’s not always easy to tell if a professional in some arcane field like law, medicine or Ouija-board reading is actually good at what they do, or if they are just snowing you with jargon and talking a good game.
Sometimes, however, the indications that you’ve retained a less-than-ideal advocate are pretty clear – like when your lawyer shows up for a consultation with a briefcase full of lube and sex toys, and asks you to pleasure yourself while he watches, in lieu of paying for his services in cash. We’ll call this Sign #1 that Your “Attorney” is Really Just Some Random, Aging Pervert.
It’s also probably not a good omen if your attorney shows up out of the blue to visit you in jail, and has to tell you that he’s your attorney. There are some exceptions, of course, but generally speaking, you’re usually going to know that you’ve hired an attorney, and if you’ve been using state-supplied legal aid attorneys from the Office of the Public Defender, chances are pretty good you’re going to have to continue to use those one of those – unless of course you also have a lot of money you weren’t aware you had, which I suppose would come in handy to pay all those attorneys that you didn’t know you had hired.
At any rate, we’ll call the arrival of the Previously Unknown Lawyer Sign #2, because while pretending to be your attorney obviously doesn’t make a guy a pervert all by itself, when combined with that briefcase full of what the Sheriff in this case called “intimate items that were used for sexual contact,” I’d say it’s pretty potent circumstantial evidence of Possession with Intent to Perv Out.
While I don’t want to be “ageist,” in this context Sign #3 is your lawyer being 70 years old – if only because that fact definitively pegs him as at least 1-for-3 in terms of being a Dirty Old Man. Don’t me wrong; if a 35 year-old lawyer shows up with a briefcase full of dildos instead of legal documents and notes, that’s still not a good sign, but at least you might have hope that he’s currently earning enough money as an attorney that he can retire before becoming a septuagenarian.
So, how does one avoid retaining a random old pervert as an attorney, particularly when you haven’t, technically, hired any attorney at all? Ideally, you don’t even take the first meeting. Failing that, if and when Random Pervert, Esq. asks you to insert an “intimate item” into one or more orifice, just say no.
If you do find yourself in jail, in a meeting with an “attorney” and with a dildo jammed up inside you, however, the very least you can do is insist on some sort of quid pro quo; tell that craven counselor that you’ll show him yours if he shows you his…. And then, right when his pants fall around his ankles, yell “CO – on the gate!” at the top of your lungs.
This approach won’t help with your legal troubles, but it might ensure that the next lawyer who visits you in jail is actually there for the purposes of zealous representation instead of sub-rosa masturbation.