A survey conducted by Middlesex University in London found that one-in-five Brits polled would have sex with a robot. Whether this says more about British people than it does the forward march of sex-related technology is subject to debate, but what strikes me is that people are willing to weigh in on that question at all, without knowing certain crucial details – and no, I don’t mean the question of whether my prospective LustBot 3000 will look more like George Clooney or George Costanza.
As anybody who knows the first thing about robots should already understand, it’s important to know in advance of any sexual contact whether your robo-partner conforms to the Three Laws of Robotics. After all, in the midst of coitus is no place to find out that your robot lover thinks that doing (unsolicited and sexually un-fun) harm to a human being is just dandy.
My questions run deeper than the Three Laws, however, so I’d like to see a more detailed body of legislation. Before I have sex with any robot, I’d want to know that he abides by the Five Laws of Robotic Ribaldry.
1. Robo-Discretion Required: Any robot I have sex with had better be programmed to keep his trap shut about our dalliances, or I’ll pull the plug on his metal ass in a heartbeat. In other words, all you randy RoBros, if you want to tap it, you’d best not tweet it!
2. A Perfect Call-Back Record: If I say “Call me tomorrow,” you will damn sure call me tomorrow, you horny bucket of bolts. You’re a fucking robot; there’s no way I’m going to take the “I didn’t get your text” excuse from what amounts to a smartphone with limbs.
3. Monogamy or Terminator-Style Meltdown: My LustBot must have synthetic digital eyes for me, and me only. If he so much as thinks about fucking one of my friends (or worse, one of my sisters), he will be immediately listed for sale on Craigslist and replaced with a trusty (and non-sentient!) vibrator.
4. Sanitized for My Protection: The LustBot must consent to undergoing a thorough cleansing and decontamination process before each sexual encounter we have. Following the cleansing, he will apply scented lotion that makes him smell like lavender, sage, or something organic, because I’ll be damned if I’m having sex with anything that sports that sick-making “new car” smell.
5. A Robotics Law #2 Caveat: Isaac Asimov dictated that a robot “must obey orders given to it by human beings” unless those orders would contradict its prime commandment not to injure human beings. That’s all well and good, but I want my LustBot to have narrower specs; I want it to only obey orders from THIS human being – and if I tell my LustBot to deliver a savage beat-down to some random asshole out there in the streets, I fully expect the LustBot to pound said random asshole into absolute submission, no questions asked.
There are many other things that I’d like for a LustBot to do, or not do, but I’m no fuck-bot-fascist; it’s OK if the little fellow maintains some measure of self-determination, so long as he remembers who the boss is…. and remembers to put down the toilet seat, for fuck’s sake. That one is non-negotiable, too.