Repeat After Me: I Will Not Let Anyone Else Shave My Nether Regions But Me.
I mean, this should be self-explanatory but you know how humans are, we get all excited when someone cute and cuddly becomes part of our lives and we let them do things that we really shouldn’t let them do. Sometimes we even ask them to do these things!
You may wonder why I’m reflecting on bad sexy memories. So: the always-wonderful website The Frisky shared a funny but also cautionary article about crazy things some of us have done in the name of sex. Specifically, 7 Ridiculous Sex Acts I’d Like to Forget (But Will Share Instead), in which the author reminisces about some, ah, ill-considered activities involving naughty bits that were maybe not such a great idea after all.
Haven’t we all had those moments where we were thinking with our little brains, not our big brains? When we went along with things, trying to be all GGG, as Dan Savage would say. Hey, it happens to the best of us. Life is all about making mistakes and then learning from our mistakes right?
RIGHT?
The author of this piece, Amanda, shares some mostly funny but also somewhat cringe-inducing stories of weird sexcapades. Like the Foot Job. Ya know, where you use your feet to pleasure your man. The guy who liked this also enjoyed giving Toe Hickeys, which involved some fairly intense toe-sucking…like, vampiric vacuum-cleaner velocity toe sucking. Easy, now! I gotta be able to jerk you off with these things later!
Then there was Armpit Licking. Hmm, I am all for licking various body parts but I am not sure how erotic this would be for anyone involved. I mean, the possible tastes and smells here don’t sound good to me (and isn’t deodorant kinda toxic?)
Not all of Amanda’s stories are unpleasant in and of themselves: the Whisky Nipples adventure sounded kinda sexy except for the argument over the possible security cameras that may have recorded the event.
So naturally this article made me think what kinds of stories I’d include if I had to come up with a list of a dozen or so not-so-sexy memories. Nothing horrible, just kind of weird or ever so slightly regrettable or just better off never mentioned again. So here’s a couple for ya.
Like Popsicle Man: the guy who wanted to have ice in his mouth while he went down on me. Hey, whatever, food and sex can be fun (although I guess ice cubes aren’t technically food unless you’re on a really strict diet). It wasn’t unpleasant for me necessarily, but I found myself noticing my nerve endings were growing slightly numb; and I wondered if the same was happening to his tongue. I have sensitive teeth so I’d never reciprocate this one; ouch! It reminded me of the scene in that Peter Greenaway movie (Drowning by Numbers) where the guy uses a popsicle on his lady as a form of foreplay, or so she thinks, but really he’s trying to get her to stop bugging him for sex by “cooling her ardor.” Hmm.
Then there was By the Book: the guy who always said the exact same thing, in the exact same cadence, with the exact same timing, every time he had an orgasm. After it happened three or four times I started to get annoyed. It was really kind of weird. I wondered if he said this to all women, except, you know, using their names instead of mine.
Then there was Mister Media: the guy who always had to have the TV on, regardless of the time of day, room, piece of furniture or act was involved. He didn’t need to have it turned up particularly loud, and it didn’t appear to matter what was actually on, nor did he seem to be interested in watching the TV: he just always had to have it on while we were having sex. I found this vaguely insulting. I mean, what am I, a TV dinner? Should I straddle on of those little folding tables? You wanna use the remote control on me? Sheesh.
