Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
In my nearly 20 years of working in and writing about the porn industry, the most frequent request I’ve received from male friends who know what I do for a living has been to get them autographs from their favorite pornstars when I attend porn conventions. Second on the request list, reserved for friends who have the financial wherewithal to drop whatever they’re doing and fly to Las Vegas, has been free passes to the shows themselves.
And then there’s #3: Give advice on how they should talk to their girlfriend/wife/parole officer/any random female about porn – usually with the goal in mind of persuading the woman in question to watch porn with the guy asking for the advice.
I generally blow off such requests on the grounds that not knowing the woman at issue well, I can’t say what appeals to her, offends her or excites her, so I’m in no position to give the advice being sought. Not only is this a great dodge to avoid having the same freaking conversation for what seems like the ten-thousandth time, it has the added benefit of being a legitimate point.
Where I feel more comfortable, though, is giving men advice on how NOT to talk to their female partners (be they existing, prospective, desired or merely theoretical) about porn.
Unless Asked, Probably Safest To Keep It To Yourself
Until or unless your opinion on the looks, appearance and physical contours of any given female porn performer is specifically solicited by your partner, it’s probably best to keep your opinions to yourself, regardless of whether they’re positive, negative, or indifferent.
My reasoning is simple and grounded in my own experience in watching porn with my husband: No matter how rational, even-keel and grounded I like to think of myself as being, I still don’t respond well to my husband openly drooling over other women – especially when I’m positioned in such a way his dribbling spittle might wind up on me.
Men should be especially cautious about this when it comes to their initial experiences discussing porn with women. This assumes, naturally, you’ve already gotten far enough on the subject to determine she’s open to porn at all in the first place. Obviously, nothing would be more pointless (or rude and insensitive) than pursuing a conversation with her on a subject she simply doesn’t want to discuss.
Once you’ve broached the subject of porn, this doesn’t mean you jump in with both feet and start listing your favorite stars and sex acts. It especially doesn’t mean you should opine about how amazing the body of one performer or another is, particularly if she’s dissimilar in body type to your partner.
In other words, guys, it’s probably best not to gush over a busty porn chick’s tits to your relatively flat-chested partner, unless you happen to have a partner who has made it very clear she’s into busty girls too, or gets turned on by listening to you perv out on pornstars. (I’m guessing this is a relatively rare thing for women to be into, statistically speaking, but not entirely unheard of.)
Actually, Even If Asked, It’s Still Probably Best To Keep It To Yourself
Here’s the thing: We women do like to set traps for men, and asking men for their opinions is one of our favorite setups.
There’s a reason “Do these pants make my butt look big?” is such a well-worn and familiar cliché; it’s symbolic of a broader dilemma faced by men when offering feedback solicited from them, a situation which is probably never more fraught with peril than when the subject is sex and/or relationship-related.
In light of this fact, even if your girl does ask your opinion on a female pornstar’s looks, the size of her breasts, the shape of her butt, or anything along these lines, the safe play is to offer a muted, almost indifferent response.
The hard part, of course, is going to be concealing the truth when part of your man-brain is aching to admit you almost can’t stand to look at the pornstar in question’s butt, because doing so makes your penis so hard it wants to detach from your body, purchase a flight to Los Angeles and become the world’s first disembodied penis-only male porn performer in the history of erotica.
Basically, you’re screwed on this one guys, because in addition to being good at setting traps for you, women pretty much always know when you’re lying to us – especially if you’re lying to us about having an erection while you’re wearing sweatpants.
Don’t Lay It On Too Thick
This is one is very important, fellas: Whatever else you do in talking to your girl about porn, do not try to conceal your falsehoods in the warm fuzzies of flattering responses.
I’ll use an example of a lame line my husband actually tried on me once, in response to a trap I set for him concerning a pornstar named Dani Jensen.
Having been with my husband for many years now, it’s useless for him to try to hide any of his proclivities and preferences at this point. For instance, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he has a thing for petite women, redheads (natural or dyed, doesn’t seem to matter) and bubble butts.
As you can see, Dani Jensen is a petite redhead with a bubble butt, so she’s clearly, inarguably, undeniably right up my husband’s pornographic alley.
So, one day, after finishing a review I was writing of one of Jensen’s movies, I called my husband over to the screen and pointed to a promotional picture of her in which she was down on all fours, glancing up seductively at the camera and coyly biting her bottom lip.
“What do you think of her,” I asked. “Pretty cute, no?”
He furrowed his brow and did his best to seem uninterested.
“Eh… she’s OK I guess,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and continuing his nonchalant charade.
Had he left it at that, I would still have known he was lying and underplaying his instant attraction to Jensen, but he wouldn’t have been in trouble – which he certainly was after finishing his thought.
“Not as cute as you, for sure,” he added, looking happy with himself as he assumed he’d deftly avoided my trap with the perfect flattering response.
I tell you, that lying fucker would have spent the next three nights on the couch…. Except at that point, the jealous girl inside me didn’t particularly want him spending three successive nights comprehensively downloading Dani Jensen’s filmography.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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