Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
You have to admit this much about Congressional candidate Mike Webb, who is running for Congress in Virginia’s 8th District: He’s not one to hang his head and utter “mea culpa” – or one to address social media mistakes with a hasty deletion of the embarrassing post at hand.
When it was revealed Webb had posted a screenshot to his Facebook account which displayed browser tabs open to videos on a porn site, Webb didn’t immediately reach for the delete key (although he has since done so, disappointingly), or call a press conference at which to issue a tearful apology.
In an age filled with faux outrage and daily apologies for what appears to be fairly normal human behavior, it’s actually kind of refreshing when someone declines to apologize for whatever mishap it is which suddenly thrusts them into the headlines.
On the other hand, when one decides to go the explanation route, instead of the apology route, it’s probably not the worst idea to make some sense, at least.
It Was Research Into Security, Or Statistics….. Or Maybe Prayer Plans?
Every time I try to read Webb’s account of how and why his Facebook/porn site flub came to be, I find myself having to go back to the beginning of each sentence to retrace what the topic of the sentence was when it began, as opposed to whatever it happens to be about 14 words later. It’s a little like reading a Richard Brautigan novel, only instead of being brilliantly funny and incisively satirical at the same time as bat-shit crazy, Webb’s style bucks the former descriptors and sticks to being just bat-shit crazy.
“Curious by nature, I wanted to test the suggestion that somehow, lurking out in the pornographic world there is some evil operator waiting for the one in a gazillion chance that a candidate for federal office would go to that particular website and thereby be infected with a virus that would cause his or her FEC data file to crash the FECfile application each time that it was loaded on the day of the filing deadline, as well as impact other critical campaign systems,” Webb…. Uh, ‘explained,’ I guess.
Wait, though, that’s not the whole story. In fact, Webb is just getting started.
“But, now let me tell you the results of my empirical inquiry that introduced me to Layla and Ivone,” Webb continued. Around Powerball lottery time, January 9, 2016, I calculated the odds that my friend Rev. Howard John Wesley and I working independently arrived at the same prayer plan, and I was able to determine that there was about a one in a billion chance that that could have occurred in the way that it did.”
OK, so far, so not at all clear – but please do continue, Mike.
“Well, as much as folks like Duffy Taylor want to hope that the Devil is waiting for Christian candidates on a particular pornographic website to infect his or her FEC data file is even more improbable than my Paul and Silas story, and I know that Duffy Taylor is not a man of faith belief; so, I don’t know how he empirically arrives at his conclusion. I couldn’t see the probability or possibility without a RAND computer.”
Right – glad we settled that.
So to recap, Webb was only surfing porn sites to test a third-party theory about an “evil operator” who is out there trying to screw with candidates’ FEC data files, which he figured was no more likely than the one-in-a-billion chance of Webb and a preacher friend of his coming up with the same “prayer plan,” whatever the fuck that means.
I’m beginning to be sorry I asked.
The Silver Lining: Mike’s Likes
You know what they say: When life gives you lemons, immediately undertake a rigorous survey of big booty videos on Pornhub to see if there’s an evil operator out there trying to infect your lemonade.
For those who still believe this incident could have a negative impact on Webb’s campaign, the candidate would like to call our attention to an important trend in online opinion polling.
“One commenter about a half hour ago told me that I needed to hire a new social media director, and others earlier were concluding that the candidate declared DOA in his press debut before Christmas in the local press – six months before a Republican challenger ever gets picked up – today is toast for sure,” Webb said. “But, when I read that post about the social media director, we were up 42 likes on Facebook, and I don’t know how many on Twitter. Just now, I looked at Facebook, again, and we are up 75, far outpacing my rival who defeated me with establishment support in the nomination convention.”
I’m not sure how many local votes 75 global Likes really represents, but you do have to admire Webb’s optimism, if not his political logic.
Lastly, should any of you suggest his porn browsing is somehow inconsistent with his oft-professed Christian faith, Webb is more than happy straighten you out on that point, too.
“From a faith based perspective and as a preacher’s kid, I probably would not be comfortable with ‘adult’ topics, but politically, within certain parameters, as a conservative with many libertarian ideas, it can and should be discussed,” Webb said.
Wait; did Mike Webb just say something which makes sense? I honestly did not see that coming. Hopefully it’s a trend?
“In this campaign and in the exploratory phases we touched on dating sites and the song that entraps many in Nigerian scams and we have on many occasions discussed the taboo topic of forcible sexual abuse that in 2014 in Virginia found young white girls below the ages of 17 exponentially more likely the victims than any other than victims of this crime, and, in our own Falls Church, we have some brave parents continue to break the silence with their
‘We Support the Girls’ campaign.”
Hmmm. So much for that making sense trend, I guess. Sorry to interrupt; please continue Mr. Webb.
“So, from that perspective, I do not really see a problem with the viewing of some tabs on a screenshot, even if it does show the scrutiny to which some candidates for office are subjected,” Webb said. “In December one viewer blew up images from my social media page to suggest that I was engaging in subliminal messaging.”
If that sensible, reasonable and comprehensive explanation doesn’t satisfy you, America, and you, voters of Virginia’s 8th District, I just don’t what will.
Good luck in November, Mike. And maybe look into this thing called “incognito mode.”
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
The post Most Confusing Porn-Gaffe Explanation Ever? appeared first on Peeperz.