Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
It has been a while since I last wrote about autoeroticism, one of my favorite subjects.
No, not that kind of autoeroticism, THIS kind of autoeroticism. I suppose the latter should probably contain a hyphen to avoid confusion, or maybe it should be rendered “auto->eroticism” as a visual mnemonic to recall the fact we’re talking about people fucking cars – or, in this particular case, fucking vans.
Thankfully For His Penis, It’s Not An Open And Shut Case
To be fair to Michael Henson, the accused van-fucker in question, according to the publicly available evidence in the published reports, he was not caught red-penised by authorities, who were responding to a different sort of tip than the one Henson allegedly stuck in the grill of a parked van.
It was an unfortunate female eyewitness whose complaint served as the basis for cops to report to Deadwood Street (and no, I did not make up that street name) and investigate. By the time police arrived on the scene, Henson was just walking down the street – albeit arguably underdressed, wearing only “black gym shorts and shoes.”
In a way, this is good news for Henson. If you consider what fucking the front end of a van entails, what with those quite heavy metal hoods they typically sport, had this really been an “open and shut” case, Henson could have lost a lot more than his dignity through this particular considerably-less-than-safe-sex encounter.
Still, it’s hard to imagine a woman deciding out of the blue to call in a report of a man fucking a van in the street outside her house unless she had fairly good reason to think that’s what he was up to. I’m no expert on van repair or maintenance, but I’m reasonably certain my mechanic has never involved his penis in changing my oil.
Sure, the guys who work at the Department of Environmental Quality have given my engine a creepy, lustful look from time to time, but even those guys have managed to keep their dipsticks in their pants while running the emissions test.
Isn’t This More of a 3am Thing?
Maybe it’s because I grew up around a mother who imposed a number of formal behavioral rules on the household (no eating of cookies until after supper, one hour of TV a day maximum, if you drink my booze when I’m out of town don’t even think about watering-down the remainder), but I think 8pm is a little on the early side to be out in public fucking vans.
These days people just have no respect for social norms, you know? When I was a kid, if a guy was going to fuck a parked vehicle, he at least had the decency to wait until the whole neighborhood was soundly asleep. That way, even if the car-fucker did set off the car alarm with the vigor of his thrusting, he’d have time to pull up his trousers and bugger off into the dark of night before we could get to our windows.
Sure, the result of all these interrupted would-be car-fuckers going undetected was people fearing someone had tried to steal their car and/or its contents – but I’ll take the fear of possible attempted car theft over having to wonder if there’s semen on my radiator, any day.
So, to all you other auto-eroticists out there, if you come to my area looking for an anonymous hookup, please do me the courtesy of waiting until my porch light is off before making advances on my sedan. Whatever the two of you want to do to on your own time is up to you guys (it’s an ’89, so obviously well over 18 now), just don’t ask me to watch.
I wouldn’t even bother making overtures to my husband’s SUV, by the way. There’s a trick to getting her started that he won’t even show me, much less random strangers who show up in the middle of the night looking for no-strings-attached fun.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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