Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
If you’re not a comic book/graphic novel reader, take it from a girl who is: Superhero names have gotten a lot more creative over time.
In the very old days of comics, most characters were named according to some version of the basic Noun + “Man” or Adjective + “Man” construction – thus we get Batman, Superman, and the somewhat lesser-known Aluminum Siding Man, who may have been more of an industry marketing campaign than a superhero, but sure had one fabulous cape.
In more recent days, superhero names have become far more creative and a lot less obvious. I’m talking about the likes of Rorschach, Gambit, Deadpool and Simone Biles – the latter of whom the announcers calling gymnastics at the Olympic Games keep insisting is a regular person and not a superhuman, despite her flagrant and habitual disregard for the laws of physics.
So it was with some dismay that I realized the porn world is lagging far behind the likes of Marvel and DC when it comes to naming our superheroes, with Exhibit A being a presumably meek and mild-mannered Brit named “Ian Turner” – who by night apparently transforms into…. (drumroll, please)
“Extreme Porn Man.”
Not Entirely Sure I Want To See His Costume….
Thus far, I haven’t been able to locate a picture or even an artist’s conception of Turner in his Extreme Porn Man costume, but I can only assume it follows in the tradition of more established superheroes like Spider Man and provides some visual echo of our hero’s pornographic moniker.
Accordingly, I’m guessing right smack in the middle of his chest, there’s some bold font which reads “EPM,” and beneath that text a depiction of a gaped butthole, or perhaps a stylized rendition of someone gagging on an extremely large penis.
I suppose it’s possible Turner opted for something a little more on the subtle side, like an image of crossed “swords” superimposed over a circle, leaving it up to each observer to decide if this is symbol indicative of double penetration, a “blowbang” which is just getting started, or the incongruous choice of being a porn-themed hero who for some reason sports an updated version of the Trump/Pence campaign logo on his chest.
Either way, I’m assuming part of the reason Turner got in trouble with the British Crown (other than being a mutant, something to which even the most liberal governments always seem to object) was his habit of wearing an obscene costume in public.
Let’s face it, even if you’re saving them from evil Norse gods or reanimated zombie-Nazis, no parent wants to spend her post-rescue phase answering questions like “Mama, what does ‘DVDA’ mean?”
(Pro tip: Don’t say you’ll “explain when they’re older” or some cliché parental BS like that; just be honest and tell them it’s Trey Parker’s band.)
Is Extreme Porn Man Really A Russian Double-Agent?
As a veteran reader of comic books, I’m always initially skeptical of new characters introduced out of nowhere. An alarming percentage of the time, these new characters are backstabbers, “sleeper” agents, super-saboteurs or – even worse – Arm-Fall-Off-Boy.
In the case of Extreme Porn Man, certain warning signs are already revealing themselves, like the fact Turner has “secured employment in Russia, teaching English to businessmen.”
First of all, Extreme Porn Man seems like a very odd choice to teach English to anyone, much less to Russian businessmen. On the other hand, I guess it would make sense if one of his superpowers was the ability to translate particularly vulgar phrases into any language, as this would allow EPM to make porn anywhere in the world without having to ask anyone how to say the word “whore” in the local vernacular.
My concern, of course, is if EPM is a Russian double-agent, he might provide some of our domestic porn industry’s most closely-guarded gonzo porn secrets and vital, clandestine porn-making techniques to Russian pornographers, giving them a substantial advantage in the global market.
The Right Woman For The Job?
Fortunately for residents of Whitehaven (not to mention Gotham City), if Extreme Porn Man does turn out to be a closet villain and/or an agent of Hydra, in the latest episode, the pornographic super-being appears to have been at least temporarily neutralized by his nemesis, Judge Barbara Forrester.
Forrester isn’t just equipped with the state-granted power of judgment, either. Like many other characters in the comic book universe, Forrester’s superhuman powers are augmented by a kind of ‘talisman,’ an object of tremendous potency and historical significance which has arrived in her possession by means unclear.
I’m speaking, of course, of first American President George Washington’s wig, which Forrester must have worn in court when confronting Extreme Porn Man, or clearly she would have been defeated before the conclusion of the pretrial hearings.
Will Forrester and her trusty (and possibly crusty) old wig be enough to prevent Extreme Porn Man from travelling to Russia to teach Mikhail Fridman how to film a compelling gangbang scene? Or is Forrester herself the evil one, while the misunderstood but heroic EPM is just working diligently to protect us from an onslaught of very poorly produced Russian gonzo?
Tune in next week hearing to find out!
Photo Credit: Lance Hart from PervOut.com
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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