Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
For years now, everybody has known about Rule 34, the widely accepted notion “pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject,” as the Urban Dictionary’s top definition for the term puts it.
I think we need a new corollary to Rule 34 which pertains specifically to what happens when famous people do anything remotely sexual which is also arguably embarrassing. I’m not sure what number it would be, but the gist of the rule is this: When a celebrity does something humiliating and there’s any excuse whatsoever to sexualize the situation, the celebrity in question will be offered a job in porn.
New Ideas Need Not Apply
One of the biggest reasons this newly proposed rule exists, of course, is certain segments of the media (like TMZ, for instance) reflexively eat up every bullshit press release the adult industry spits out in which a job is offered to someone who’s currently in the news.
As tiresome and dumb as these job offer publicity stunts are, so long as media outlets publish them, adult companies will continue to make these laughably disingenuous job offers, every time, no matter how tasteless and objectionable the idea might be and regardless of the context of the situation which thrust the person into the spotlight in the first place.
After working in the adult industry for almost 20 years, I can tell you it’s a space in which there’s plenty of originality – but unfortunately, not much of that originality has been applied toward the publicity stunts the industry engages in, about 90% of which come in the form of ‘job offers’ everybody knows will not be answered, much less accepted.
How can I be so confident these job offers won’t be accepted? Well, for starters, they often involve something like offering a guy like Draymond Green – who will make over $16 million in the coming year just to play basketball – the relatively paltry sum of $100,000 to do something which would almost certainly deprive him of millions more dollars in endorsement opportunities in the future.
For the porn studios which float these job offers, it’s an example of something gained (a smattering of publicity and back-links) for basically nothing wagered – and that’s a pretty hard combination to resist for a sector which often struggles to get mainstream attention directly on its actual products.
Just In Case, Though….
For many more reasons than the obvious financial one I supplied above, I think it’s safe to assume Draymond Green will never take VIVID up on its offer. But, just in case the idea is at all tempting for him, I’m hereby imploring Draymond to keep it in his pants – at least when there are cameras around.
Mr. Green, if you do ever consider taking the dive into porn, please consider the following as checkmarks to put in the ‘con’ column:
• By virtue of your recent Snapchat flub, your penis is already famous, so it wouldn’t benefit from more exposure by way of appearing in porn. In fact, I’d be willing to bet your dick now has more social followers than Steve Hirsch!
• Unless his marriage and family life is not as solid and cherished to him as I’ve been led to believe, it’s very doubtful Steph Curry will be there to bail you out if you experience the porn equivalent of “My shot just wasn’t falling out there tonight.”
• Unlike LeBron James, you can’t get a rise out of a pornstar by calling her a bitch. Shit, where they work, that kind of thing is called “dialogue.”
• While the NBA apparently will only suspend you after the third time you hit someone in the nuts, in the porn industry that sort of thing is taken much more seriously – and considered something which should be handled only by true professionals.
On top of all that, if part of the reason you were sending out that picture was to impress someone with the size of your penis…. Well, let’s just say the porn industry maybe isn’t the place to turn if you want to impress people with your cock, because a lot of us know this guy.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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