Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
As a kid, I used to sit around reading the Guinness Book of World Records with true fascination. I was just as engaged by the occasional crazy pictures (particularly the ones featuring beards of bees and mouthfuls of cigarettes) as I was the records themselves.
Even when fully in the throes of my Guinness obsession though, there were always records which irritated me, ‘accomplishments’ I thought were nothing more than a cheap means of getting into the book, but which didn’t seem to me the sort of thing which deserved recognition next to things I considered legitimate records – like the fastest time in the 100 meter footrace, tallest known humans or the largest number of people ever to simultaneously brush their teeth.
In part, what bothered me is certain objects and feats are no longer themselves, once they achieve a certain scale. The “world’s largest pizza,” for instance, is no pizza; it’s a parking lot covered in dough, sauce and cheese. Sorry guys, but if you can’t (and didn’t) cook it in a pizza oven, it’s not a pizza.
Real Dildos Serve A Purpose This Dildo Simply CAN’T
Over on HuffPo, there’s a recent article about what is believed to be the largest dildo ever made, a promotional object created by the aptly-named Pipedream Products.
“Two years ago, we made a wall of cocks featuring our product,” Nick Orlandino, Pipedream Chairman and CEO Nick Orlandino told HuffPo. “It was the hit of the show, so I was trying to figure out how to outdo myself.”
That’s brilliantly (if possibly accidentally) well put, Nick – because anybody who tries to insert that so-called “dildo” into any orifice will soon realize they’re trying to out-do themselves, if you catch my drift.
I mean, the problem with a 12’ 4”-tall dildo is pretty obvious, right? If not, let me spell it out: The only vagina big enough to accept such a creature belonged to a fictional woman who attacked California back in the late 50’s.
Put another way, when I think about things I’d like to be able to do with a dildo, barring the massive doors of Helm’s Deep to help withstand assault from a battering ram is not one of those things.
With all due respect to Orlandino and company, what they have created is not a dildo, it’s a sculpture of a dildo – and while it might be the biggest replica of a dildo ever created, it certainly isn’t the biggest phallic representation in history.
Porn Valley Has Nothing On Ancient Rome
If you’ve ever wondered why most porn is heavy on close-up shots of penetration, ejaculation and other opportunities to emphasize the male member, the answer is pretty simple: tradition.
Men have always been obsessed with their dicks, especially as a symbol of power and virility. The Romans called it fascinus, which was both the name of a God and the term for the “embodiment of the divine phallus,” as the Wikipedia description puts it.
Every so often, you’ll see a depiction of a fascinus spurting semen into a disembodied eyeball – symbolic of the phallus’ ability to ward off evil, allegedly, as opposed to being a classical predecessor to the facial cumshot so ubiquitous in the porn of today.
Speaking of looking back on all this from a modern standpoint, I suppose we can conclude one of two things about the magic phallus and its ability to combat evil: Either the divine phallus doesn’t regard sexually transmitted diseases as “evil,” or its magic power just isn’t very effective as an antibiotic.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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