Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
As humans, we all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are completely understandable things which could happen to anyone, like accidentally sexting your father-in-law at 4am. Certain mistakes are harder to fathom, however, especially if one makes them more than once.
For example, it’s one thing to get snookered out your money by a con man once, but quite another to get snookered by the same con man, using the same scam, more than once.
Similarly, if your penis gets bitten by a poisonous Australian spider once, it’s an unfortunate mishap; when it happens again, however, you’ll have to forgive the rest of the world if we start wondering if these events were really “accidents,” or if you have some potentially awkward explaining to do.
What Is It With Men And Hazardous Toilet Seats?
The habit of men blaming various genitalia-related problems on toilet seats is such a well-established phenomenon, it has been immortalized in song – probably more than once.
The example which springs to my mind comes from the Frank Zappa album Joe’s Garage, at one point in which the titular character laments aloud “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?”
The explanation Joe comes up with is one which will ring familiar to skeptical wives and girlfriends:
I got it from my toilet seat.
It jumped right up,
And grabbed my meat.
I got it from my toilet seat.
Right, Joe; I’m sure that’s exactly how it happened, just as I’m certain the unlucky Australian identified only as Jordan is being completely forthright in his explanation for both times he has been bitten on the penis by a spider.
“I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time,” Jordan said. “I was like ‘I can’t believe it’s happened again.’ I looked down and I’ve seen a few little legs come from around the rim.”
You know what, Jordan? I can’t believe it’s happened again, either – not the way you’ve explained it, at least.
A Most Unusual Fetish
When you’ve been working within the adult entertainment industry for as long as I have, it’s easy to start believing you’ve seen it all when it comes to sexual fetishes.
Grown men who get off on dressing up like babies, pictures of women’s feet operating the gas and brake pedals in their cars, ball-stomping, clowns having sex with pirates in grocery stores…. You get my point; the list is long and highly diverse.
What I haven’t encountered, until now, is anybody who has a thing for trying to fuck poisonous spiders. Maybe it’s the impracticality of the desire which limits its appeal; no amount of lube is going to magically make the spider large enough to actually be penetrated by a penis, as opposed to being smashed into a paste by it.
Given this fact, it seems reasonable to speculate Jordan’s fetish isn’t fucking spiders, but simply having his dick stung by them. To you or me, this might seem strange – but I also think it’s strange for people to willfully consume chicken wings slathered in hot sauce so intense it’s could be used to strip off old house paint, and I’ll wager there’s a table full of masochistic men doing such at a nearby Buffalo Wild Wings as I type this.
Who knows; maybe being stung on the dick by a redback spider delivers the same sort of ecstatic pain one experiences during a particularly vigorous spanking, or in the context of an intense BDSM session. Or maybe Jordan just likes the attention which comes along with being someone who has twice been stung on the prick by an arachnid. You don’t read a lot of articles about people who have bruises on their butt from a vigorous spanking, after all, so maybe Jordan’s red, swollen penis is just the price one has to pay for a measure of internet fame down there in Sydney.
If This Is Legit, Maybe Avoid Port-A-Potties In The Future
If I understand Jordan’s story correctly, both times he was bitten, it was within the confines of a port-a-potty on a worksite, and the second time he was bitten was during his first visit to a port-a-potty since being stung the first time.
If that’s true, I have a simple solution for Jordan on which he can rely on the future: When you need to use the loo, instead of using the nearest port-a-potty, ask your boss for a 10 minute break and head off to find a nearby restaurant, or gas station, or alleyway, or open field, or even an empty residence with insufficient security measures in place – anything other than a port-a-potty – in which to “do your business.”
If your boss refuses this request, I don’t think there’s a jury in Australia which wouldn’t side with you in a lawsuit claiming he’d created a hostile work environment. I mean, what could be more hostile than penis-biting spiders?
If it ever does come to that, Jordan, just make sure your lawyer sees to it that as many members of the jury as possible are men; the women on the panel are just never going to buy the line about the toilet seat, for the same reason it doesn’t make sense to us that we have to take antibiotics because “one of your friends at work” recently contracted gonorrhea.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
