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Who Knew? Apparently, I Own Several ‘Porn Vending Machines’

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Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.

One of the great things about getting most of my news and information from the internet is I’m constantly learning about brand new technologies I might otherwise never have heard about, or wouldn’t have heard about until they were old hat.

Just this week, for example, I learned there’s such a thing as a “porn vending machine” – which I assume is a lot like a soda vending machine, except we probably don’t want to drink anything which comes out of it.

So, what is a porn vending machine and how does it work? Unfortunately, that’s where this particular news item gets a tad anticlimactic.

Welcome To Scenic North Korea Dakota!
I know I have a tendency in my posts to ask a lot of rhetorical questions and posit mysteries for which there is no clear answer, but today my question about porn vending machines has a quite specific definition, as it turns out. It’s a definition offered by several members of the North Dakota Legislative Assembly in House Bill 1185. As you will see below, as definitions go, this one is rather broad.

As the ND Assembly would have it, any “internet service provider’s router, or a cell phone, laptop, computer, gaming device, or other product that distributes the internet or makes the content on the internet available is classified as a pornographic vending machine and must be treated as such under this chapter.”

In other words, that’s basically every gaming console, mobile device, smart TV, smart fridge, smart watch and just about every appliance featured at the Consumer Electronics Show earlier this month.

While, by itself, the proposed definition of porn vending machine under this bill would appear to have very little to do with pornography (or with “vending,” for that matter), once you see it in its full, certifiably insane context, it makes a lot more….. Well, “sense” might not be the word I’m looking for here, but it makes a lot more something, for sure.

In a paragraph of amusingly mangled grammar which (unintentionally, presumably) seems to imply the state of North Dakota itself is directly engaged in the production of porn vending machines, the Assembly tries to create a legal responsibility on the part of manufacturers to install content filters on all the devices they make, sell or distribute in the state.

“A person in this state which manufactures, distributes, or sells a product that makes any content on the internet accessible may not sell the product unless the product contains an active and operating digital blocking capability that renders obscene material or obscene performances,” states §12.1-27.3-01 of the bill.

(Helpful Side Note: I really, really think you meant “who,” not “which” in that first line there, fellas….)
Given the fact that legal obscenity is something which can only be ascertained by way of a trial, how device manufacturers are supposed to go about identify and blocking obscene materials prior to such a determination is not at all clear. Perhaps a subsequent version of the bill will add verbiage requiring device manufacturers to consult with some California
Psychics for assistance?

The Bright Side: We Mobile Users Must All Be Loaded (With Quarters) By Now!

I don’t know about you, but every vending machine I’ve ever used, even the ones which can take payment using credit cards, QR codes and the like, accepts coins and/or bills as payment from consumers.

I figure if every computerized device I own has been a porn vending machine this whole time, these things must be absolutely stuffed with currency and coinage by now. In the case of my smartphone and tablet, I’m not exactly sure where they’re keeping all this physical currency, but I’m sure that’s just a matter of my not understanding these tricky modern porn technologies as well as the assemblymen of North Dakota do.

I have some legal concerns of my own here, though, including the fact that if I’ve been unknowingly vending porn for several decades, I probably owe the IRS some serious back taxes.

I mean, even if my previously unknown porn sales dipped considerably in this age of unfettered access to free porn via tube sites, evidently I’ve been vending porn since around 1982, so I can only imagine what the accrued interest must be like at this point.

Also, what are my responsibilities as a porn vending machine operator when it comes to the relevant federal record-keeping requirements? If another pornographer buys porn from my vending machine, do I have to include copies of IDs for all the depicted performers? Given the breadth of the definitions in this bill, does my ISP have to maintain copies, too?

There are just so many questions here – and we haven’t even addressed whether porn is like soda, meaning if the container gets excessively shaken up on its way through the vending machine, might it explode all over the face of a consumer if they don’t let the porn-can settle for a while first?

Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:



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