Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Among the many other things it symbolizes, the inauguration of President Donald Trump marks the culmination of a period which featured some of the most unlikely headlines I’ve ever read in my life, like “Poll: 38% of Florida voters believe Ted Cruz could be the Zodiac Killer,” and “Customs Officers Find Burritos Contain Meth, No Guac,” and – the big YUGE one, of course – “Trump Triumphs.”
Still, none of those prepared me for the most recent story-topper to catch my eye: “Metallica front man James Hetfield narrates anti-porn documentary about addiction.”
Somehow, just reading that headline makes me feel like we’re a long, long way from “Battery” now.
Dude…. Does This Rock?
Before you start thinking I’m some sort of Metallica-hating, excessively stodgy middle-aged person, I should point out my relationship with the band and its music goes back to the mid-80s, a period in which relatively few people even knew they existed. I wasn’t familiar with them because I was some enterprising teenager who made a point of seeking out lesser-known heavy metal bands on the verge of making it big – but I did have a friend to whom that description fit quite nicely.
I think it was sometime in early 1984 when my friend, Greg, came running up to me one day with a Walkman in his hands and thrust the headphones in my direction.
“Dude,” Greg exclaimed (every statement Greg has ever uttered has started with “dude,” regardless of whether he’s addressing a friend, his mother or a cop), “Check it out: This ROCKS!”
The tape (yes, tape) in the Walkman was the still-pretty-new Metallica debut album Kill ‘Em All. And while I have always been more of a Black Sabbath girl, I had to admit, it did rock.
Years later, by the time “Load” had come out, the words which issued from Greg’s mouth about Metallica had changed subtly but substantially.
“Dude…. Does this rock?”
I’ve always looked at Load as a Metallica watershed, the moment they lost a lot of the thrash-minded fans who had been with them since the beginning, but gained infinitely more fans who probably weren’t as familiar with their back catalog.
Whether it’s a coincidence or not, Load came out right around the same time every member of the band cut off his hair – a group decision which led to one of the great sight gags in the history of rock music, courtesy of Mike Inez, the bass player for Alice In Chains.
Maybe Next Time, We’ll Go With Blood And Elmer’s Glue….
My reason for dwelling on the album here is looking back at it now, Load represents something of an irony in the context of Hetfield’s narration of an anti-porn documentary. The album’s cover, a mixed-media piece by Andres Serrano (he of “Piss Christ” fame) entitled “Semen and Blood III,” was created by the artist mixing cow blood with his own semen.
Nothing about the nature and composition of the Load cover means Hetfield can’t (or shouldn’t) be anti-porn, of course – but I do think it serves as an odd juxtaposition. Even though it’s in no way inappropriate or ‘wrong’ for Hetfield to narrate such a documentary, it just doesn’t seem very “metal,” somehow.
I suspect that in addition to being pretty far from their trash roots, it’s also unlikely Metallica will offer up another cover image assembled from bodily fluids in the future, unless Serrano has a new piece called “Spit Buddha” or “Shit Shiva” they simply can’t resist, I suppose.
Next Up: “Never Stick A Fork In A Light Socket” Featuring Tom Araya
Odd though I may find the choice of Hetfield as a narrator for an anti-porn documentary, I’m totally on board with the general idea of cherished figures from the heavy metal scene getting involved in social causes, and documentary films promoting such. Just imagine all the amazing pairings of heavy metal stars, worthy causes and educational campaigns!
I can easily imagine, for example, Ozzy Osbourne explaining to people why they should Just Say No (or as close to the word “no” as Ozzy can still enunciate, anyway), or Rob Halford telling us, his lyrical offerings notwithstanding, that ‘love bites’ can cause serious health problems about which people should probably ask their doctor. (If needed, clearly the question can wait until they’ve already addressed that pesky erection which keeps lasting more than four hours.)
Personally, I’d like to see one of my old favorite public service videos, “Stop, Drop and Roll,” reworked by Iron Maiden – perhaps under the slightly revised title “Stop, Drop and Ruuun tooooo the Hiiiiiills!”
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
