Over the last seven or eight years, one of my truly guilty pleasures has become watching Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) competitions. The unique combination of highly precise physical movements with nearly unrestrained violence is one source of its appeal, tapping into some animalistic, primal part of me that simply enjoys watching two tattoo-slathered, douchebag jocks beat, twist and grind each other into submission.
Of course, there’s another reason why MMA has found a home on my TV set: the sport’s occasionally striking similarity (heheh; see what I did there?) to gay porn.
For example, when two male competitors are entwined in what is euphemistically called the “north-south position,” what you really have is two scantily clad men 69-ing in a cage. Now that’s hot! Sure, the real goal is to literally crush the other guy, not make him cum in your mouth, but still, all that Brazilian jiu-jitsu and other grappling routinely results in porn-friendly positions that invoke the time-honored pairing of pleasure and pain.
Watching some fights the other night, it occurred to me that these guys aren’t doing nearly enough to take advantage of their opponents’ possible homophobia. To wit, I’ve never seen a fighter attempt an escape from a choke hold by subtly pressing his finger into his opponent’s butt crack while whispering sweet nothings in his ear.
Can you imagine the angst, if not outright panic, that it would cause in some of these HGH-fueled brutes to have their opponent openly trying to arouse and pleasure them in the middle of a cage fight? Picture some macho man from Curitiba with his rival’s head stuck between his thighs during a triangle choke; what do you think his reaction would be if the guy stuck in the choke started to stick out his tongue toward the choker’s groin while gently caressing his buttocks, and maybe throwing in a quick wink while he was at it? I think the guy in the dominant position might just release that choke hold and literally sprint toward the cage door in a made-for-Pay-Per-View “gay panic” moment for the ages.
Pressing the gay panic button wouldn’t just be effective for fighters stuck in a bad spot, either. Consider, for example, the delightfully and provocatively named “rear naked choke” position, wherein one man “back mounts” the other (seriously, that’s the real MMA term for the move; I did not make this shit up) and slips one forearm under his opponent’s chin while clasping his own arm with his other hand, with the goal of either choking out the victim, or forcing him to tap out.
In many cases, the rear naked choke position becomes a stalemate, as the man being choked is able to use both of his hands to prevent the aggressor from closing off the choke. Faced with such an impasse, I think it would be highly effective for the aggressor to press his lips against his prey’s ear and say something like: “You feel that hard thing pressing into your back right now? Well, it’s NOT my cup, sexy boy.”
Of course, there are some opponents against whom this approach could backfire. Instead of panic, the false sexual overtures might inspire post-fight stalking – and some very awkward moments on Twitter: “@UriahFaber can’t wait for U to drop by my place 2night so we can finish what we started in the cage #SexyTime!”
