Slate.com, a snarkier and often smarter version of Salon (and Slate came first) , offers this interesting exploration of one of Cosmo’s silliest sex tips ever (which is saying a lot). The tip originated in the heyday of Cosmo’s monthly competition with itself to keep coming up with the most outrageous and inane sex tips for women.
But perhaps one of the funniest ones involves having a man put a doughnut on his wang, so his lover can nibble at it while she (or he) nibbles on him. Using a glazed doughnut apparently adds an extra sensation when the sugary flakes fall and land everywhere. A chocolate glazed doughnut is not recommended, due to the unfortunate resemblance to feces that can occur when things get mushy.
The doughnut tip appears in a Cosmopolitan article from 2003, “99 Ways to Touch Him: These Fresh, Frisky Tips Will Thrill Every Inch of Your Guy,” and even had its own teaser on the cover: “(Our Favorite Requires a Glazed Doughnut).” I wonder how many people saw that on the newsstand and bought it solely for the doughnut tip alone? And I wonder if Helen Gurley Brown was rolling in her grave?
Glazed doughnuts are not exactly unknown in sexual discussions. I mean, think of the infamous line of dialogue Dennis Hopper utters in the dark, cynical indie film from 1986, River’s Edge: “I was eating so much pussy in those days my beard looked like a glazed doughnut.” Obviously Cosmo was channeling a zeitgeist that was floating around out there already. But the trick of putting a doughnut on the penis is only referenced as far back as 1995, in a gourmet cookbook, according to the Slate article.
Perhaps not surprisingly, after the initial tip appeared in 2003, Cosmo recycled this tasty tip about ten years later on their website. Or maybe upcycled is the word, as they recommend a donette (which might insult some guys if you think about it) the second time around. The second time the context is complicated, offered as both a “sex with food” idea as well as a “challenge” to attempt in “31 Days of Hot Sex.” Believe it or not, the doughnut is Challenge Number One!
In the interests of exploring this hole phenomenon further, I did some research (of the non-edible variety, I’m afraid) and found that doughnuts and sex form a very interesting subculture and vernacular. The Urban Dictionary, for example, lists several terms involving both. “Donut sex” refers to sex you have with a girl you meet at Dunkin’ Donuts. Like, you know, if you can’t manage to score at Starbucks.
Donut sex. Sex with another lonely person you met at a crappy coffee and doughnut joint. Oh my…when you put it that way, it just sounds sad, doesn’t it? (One Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Rockaway, N.J. took a rather more entrepreneurial approach and sold sexual favors to customers in between selling them doughnuts and coffee.)
There are more graphic terms like “jelly donut” and “glazed donut” that I will invite you to look up for yourself. I warn you, it may put you off your pastry, so you may want to schedule looking these terms up a few hours before your scheduled drive-through doughnut run. Hey, I know you do it sometimes. I just don’t want to ruin it for you.
I am not entirely sure why graphic descriptions of sex involving bodily fluids must be compared to delicious breakfast pastry, but then I am not in charge of such things. Sheesh, thanks a lot, Urban Dictionary.
“Sex Doughnuts Taste Better” is a Facebook page dedicated to the tradition of bringing in “morning after” doughnuts. Not sure precisely what this means, but the page has lots of posts about doughnuts!
Then there’s the always interesting world of erotic fixations involving food. The clinical term for an erotic obsession with food is “sitophilia” and a recent article from the Daily Mail looks at a woman who lives in Las Vegas who enjoys devouring doughnuts during sex.
And I have saved the strangest sex and doughnut internet find for last, my faithful readers. NSA whistleblower and hero to wannabe-revolutionaries everywhere Edward Snowden apparently enjoyed having “marathons” of sexual activity and eating doughnuts afterwards. Krispy Kremes, to be exact.
How Hot!