Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Just over three years ago, in what should have been a run of the mill arrest of Christopher Loeb, a local junkie suspected to have been breaking into cars, things got more than a little weird after the Suffolk County Police rolled up on the drug-addled thief at his mother’s home in Smithtown, New York.
Part of the “cache of property stolen from numerous vehicles,” it turned out, was a selection of items stolen from the then-Chief of Suffolk County Police, James Burke.
In addition to Burke’s gun belt, many rounds of ammunition, a humidor and box of cigars was a canvass bag which held “among other items, sex toys and adult pornography.”
So what, you say?
Well, exactly – except, apparently, Chief Burke was someone who harbored far more than the typical level of shame over his affection for erotica.
Remember: It’s Not the Crime, It’s the Cover Up
Apparently, when Burke learned the bust had taken place, he completely lost his mind, acting like the arrest had uncovered his role in the Kennedy assassination or the disappearance of the Lindbergh baby (or maybe both).
Racing to the scene, Burke grabbed his duffel bag and its contents “in direct violation of police procedure and protocol,” as the feds put it in papers filed in a criminal case which has since been filed against Burke.
Simply seizing the evidence wasn’t enough, though; Burke also took it upon himself to threaten the life of Loeb, “Burke shook Loeb’s head violently, punched him in the head and body and attempted to knee Loeb.”
Continuing his assault on Loeb, Burke threatened Loeb with the prospect of giving Loeb a “hot shot” – a poison-spiked dose of heroin – once the suspect was locked up in jail.
While Loeb couldn’t fight back (he was literally chained to the floor during all of this ranting and beating at Burke’s hands), he could utter the one word which was most likely to make Burke go even crazier: Loeb looked up and called Burke a “pervert.”
The Chief Doth Protest Way The Fuck Too Much, Methinks
This Burke fellow sounds a lot like some of the ego-fueled jocks with whom I attended high school (yes, I know; that was a LONG time ago). Those guys always talked a good game when it came to being confident and full of bluster, but they would instantly disintegrate into a blubbering mass of inchoate teenage rage if anyone dared to question their sexuality.
When Loeb called Burke a pervert, the reaction spoke volumes about the man’s fitness for his job.
“Burke then went out of control, screaming and cursing at Loeb and assaulting him until a detective finally said, ‘Boss, that’s enough, that’s enough,’” according to papers filed in the case against Burke.
Loeb thought one of the models on one of the DVD covers was a minor – hence the “pervert” line. And while I can certainly understand a guy (and an authority figure, to boot) getting upset over someone suggesting he has a thing for underage girls, I think we can all agree threatening to kill a person over it is a bit of an overreaction.
Burke’s savage stupidity didn’t stop there, of course; he also saw fit to intimidate his fellow officers into lying on his behalf, insisting they needed to get their “stories straight” on Burke’s behalf. At least one officer present took this to heart, later lying under oath about the incident, according to the feds.
All of this to try to prevent being outed as a porn fan? What the hell kind of porn was this Burke guy watching, anyway? Was it produced by ISIS? Did it feature his mother? Was it produced by ISIS AND featured his mother?
Wait, Wait; This All Gets Dumber Still
In addition to badgering his underlings to support his version of events, Burke couldn’t help but boast about his exploits in beating a man chained to the ground, later taking to a police department event where he “regaled a group of officers with his account of the assault, saying it reminded him of his ‘old days’ as a young police officer.”
So…. you beat a lot of guys who were chained to the floor at the time as a young officer, did you? Or was it the threat of drug-induced death which filled you with nostalgia?
Either way, from a law enforcement perspective, arguably neither of these horrible things match the most serious of the allegations Burke: Just last month, it was alleged Burke also failed to share with the FBI evidence suggesting a serial killer was operating in his jurisdiction. Why? You guessed it!
“Burke never wanted us involved in this [serial killer] case because he knew we were investigating him,” according to one FBI source.
So, to sum up: In order to prevent the not-particularly-shocking revelation he watches porn (possibly while fucking himself with a dildo?), a cop (1) tampered with evidence (2) beat a man who was chained to the floor (3) threatened to kill the same man (4) intimidated his underlings (5) suborned perjury and (6) kept evidence of an active serial killer to himself. (Hey; at least he’s thorough, right?)
Wouldn’t it have been easier to handle this in the traditional method for disgraced public figures – hold a tearful press conference with your visibly-irritated spouse standing at your side, apologize for “letting people down” then take a six-week leave of absence and enter rehab?
And some people say Hollywood has nothing to teach the rest of us.
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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