Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the award-winning porn site for women & couples. With over 18 years’ experience under her belt, writing about and for the adult entertainment industry, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.
Let me start here by not apologizing to all my American friends for calling soccer “football.”
The truth is, we’re probably the only country on the planet which thinks of American football first when someone says “football,” so if it bothers you, my advice is to get over it before travelling overseas and causing a major misunderstanding by accidentally claiming some group of Americans calling themselves “the Patriots” is better than FC Barcelona or Bayern Munchen.
With that bit of business out of the way, let’s talk about the news out of Italy, where popular porn performer (and personal friend of former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi) Sara Tommasi has been retained for an unspecified front-office job by Marruvium, an amateur Italian football club.
You Learn Something (Porny And) New, Every Day
I’m kind of a weirdo, so maybe it’s no surprise something other than Tommasi’s erstwhile occupation caught my eye about this story: Amateur football clubs apparently (in Italy, at least) have “front offices!”
I guess it’s not that surprising, but here in the U.S., our “amateur football clubs” tend to be eleven middle-aged people running around on a grassy patch of earth trying to do things their ankles simply can’t support anymore.
The other thing I learned very quickly from reading the New York Post’s version of the story is if you’re a porn performer hired for such a position, even if the publication hasn’t the foggiest idea what your new front-office job actually entails, they will say you have been hired to “run” the team.
I do hope it’s true Tommasi will be running the team, though, in part because it would underline for many fans something pro athletes have long known and understood: A head coach’s role is largely to inspire, motivate and enliven the team, not necessarily to make every tactical and strategic decision facing it.
Does Tommasi have what it takes to fire up a bunch of guys? I’m going to go out on a limb and say as a former porn star, she could at least get their attention – whether she can then focus that attention on the football tasks at hand is another story, of course. The last thing Marruvium needs is to have a bunch of guys meandering around the field fantasizing about their coach’s breasts when they’re supposed to be kicking around a little ball with real purpose – one which isn’t supposed to involve mentally undressing their manager.
Please, Please Tell Me She’s Not Going To Be The Team Mascot
For Tommasi’s sake, I sure hope her job isn’t to don a miniskirt and gyrate on the sidelines during matches. First of all, going from porn performer to cheerleader – or worse, team mascot – is a serious step down in employment.
I’m sure fans of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders will take real issue with what I just wrote, but consider this: When was the last time a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader was invited to one of President Obama’s private sex parties? Never, that’s when!
Tommasi, on the other hand, is not only a veteran of Silvio Berlusconi’s infamous “Bunga Bunga” parties, but a personal friend of Sil’s, who has even encouraged her to pursue a career in politics.
“He was very impressed with me and my looks,” Tommasi said of Berlusconi. “He said I had beauty and intelligence, I should go into politics. He said it would be a steady wage.”
Offhand, telling a woman she should go into politics because she’s good looking might seem a bit reductive and condescending, but this is Italy we’re talking about here, where Ilona Staller (AKA Cicciolina) served a term in Parliament based on similar qualifications, so maybe Silvio was just being pragmatic.
Plus, it’s not entirely true Tommasi has no experience with football; she did date both Brazilian football star and the mercurial Mario Balotelli, who is currently on loan from Liverpool to AC Milan, both of which are better football clubs than Marruvium.
It’s hard to say how much football knowledge Tommasi has absorbed from her love life or from other sources, but it can’t be any less than the average American high school coach of the same sport, typically a history teacher whose expertise in football amounts to owning a Manchester United jersey (excuse me, that should really be “kit”) given to him by an ex-girlfriend who once visited the U.K.
A Sports Trend In The Making?
On this side of the pond, we’ve seen our own porn-to-sports transition of sorts, with the MILF-tacular Lisa Ann successfully transitioning to fantasy football expert. Might the porn-to-sports crossover become a trend?
I sure hope so – and not just because it would be nice to see porn performers being allowed to do just about any other kind of work after wrapping up a career in porn, instead of just getting fired from teaching jobs again and again.
In the meantime, here’s wishing Tommasi and Marruvium all the best in the season to come. May they keep their posture erect and their swollen heads held high!
Calico Rudasil is a Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen) columnist and Sssh will be on Peeperz for fun times again in the near future, meanwhile why not check us out:
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